Living to Suffer


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And his life had been but a prelude to these three things – a summer shower, a glimpse of inky reeds and one man.

Shen Liangsheng is lying in the dirt bleeding away when a doctor, Ch’in Ching, discovers the wounded man. This sets off a series of events, some the doctor expected and others that catches him off guard but are nonetheless all a part of destiny’s plans to pit these two men’s desires against their principles.

Associated Names
One entry per line
Related Series
Till Death Do Us Part (Sequel)
President Wife is A Man (1)
Love You 59 Seconds (1)
Cold Sands (1)
The Founder of Diabolism (1)

Latest Release

Date Group Release
09/20/17 Chinese BL Translations c20 (end)
09/13/17 Chinese BL Translations c19
09/07/17 Chinese BL Translations c18
08/30/17 Chinese BL Translations c17
08/23/17 Chinese BL Translations c16
08/18/17 Chinese BL Translations c15
08/10/17 Chinese BL Translations c14
08/02/17 Chinese BL Translations c13
07/26/17 Chinese BL Translations c12
07/19/17 Chinese BL Translations c11
07/12/17 Chinese BL Translations c10
07/05/17 Chinese BL Translations c9
06/28/17 Chinese BL Translations c8
06/21/17 Chinese BL Translations c7
06/14/17 Chinese BL Translations c6
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8 Reviews sorted by

alexfilia rated it
August 9, 2017
Status: c13
From the first chapter you get this feeling this novel is going to have a not so happy ending Q.Q

The ml's motives for being with the MC are never made clear (or they will in later chapters?)

There is also the mc's vague illness along with that vague villain plan.... The only saving factor on this novel is the smut >.>
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BeeShelf rated it
November 20, 2017
Status: c20
This story will definitely break your heart, therefor prepare extra napkins in case you need one. I'm still not over the story, and how it ended it was really sad. I'm feeling really emotional right now and I rarely do and that's saying something....

Read it with your own will. Sigh*

I wont spoiler anything. As fore the translation it was good. No problem in that area.
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kiraluvst rated it
August 28, 2018
Status: Completed
It's. So. F**king. Good.

And heart-wrenching.


First of all, the novel is beautifully written and the translation is superb. Every word is carefully chosen.

Second, the MC who couldn't escape his cruel fate and faced it with his unique characters. Couldn't help but empathize with him but still kept questioning the truth behind his words and his original intention.

Third, the ML who suffered no less. I was so struck by his words at the last chapters:

... more>>

"After you die, I will live on.

Every bit of pain you suffer now was given unto you by me.

And I have witnessed it with my very eyes and memorized every bit of it.

From this day on, I shall remember it every day and dream of it every night.

So that I may live in pain every single day for the rest of my life."


Oh, God.

Prepare a lot of tissues, this story will leave a deep mark in your heart. You've been warned. <<less
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wicketginger rated it
March 14, 2019
Status: c20
That was really good and really depressing all at once. It's a bittersweet feeling. The ending just makes you cry and hope there's a little tidbit to remove the sadness. How could he do it. It's just not fair. I hate it and enjoyed it all at once. I feel like crap now. Eff that ending!!
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wistful rated it
February 26, 2019
Status: c20
Very tragic, very depressing.

Some tragedies happen when an innocent character does something, and their action snowballs into a ton of unintended tragic consequences. It's horrible things happening to innocent people.

In this story, both characters walked into tragedy knowing full well what was going to happen. They did it anyways because they were both raised from birth to follow a certain path and be loyal to a certain ideal. And I literally mean by birth, both characters were raised in a way to discourage attachments to others and ensure utmost loyalty... more>> to their respective causes.

When that is taken into account, were their fates inevitable? Or were there chances for both parties make a choices. Yes, no, maybe both?

To me, the true tragedy was what happens to ML...


In the end, he sacrificed his love for nothing. His sect is destroyed anyways. He loses both his home and his love.


The entire story is interspersed with gratuitous smut scenes. They might seem sort of out of place at first, but they actually do a good job at showing how ML is slowly softening towards MC. <<less
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Celissiye rated it
February 12, 2019
Status: Completed
Tragedy at its finest. One thing I despise when I read tragedy is if it feels forced, as though another easy solution is lying nearby but these dumb asses refuses to take it. This is NOT one such story. No, this is not forced, it is shoved down our throats as harsh reality (or should I say fantasy in Wuxia world?). The way it was set up was beautiful and inevitable. Lines spoken early on carried relevance later at the very end, plenty of symbolism thrown in.

Another thing I despise... more>> is the inevitability of fate and one's own end. This novel was going strong on this, and naturally I felt extreme hatred. I didn't even intend to read this novel (I'm not usually such an M that I enjoy to make myself sad by reading tragedy) but skimmed it one day, the first chapter. Just like that, I was addicted, so caught up in the prose and thoughtfulness of the author that I couldn't put it down.


I will not spoil too much. But BOTH ML and MC literally and metaphorically were living to suffer. Their existences were fated to end horribly. For one, you know from the start MC was born and raised to die, causing him inner grief and near insanity at times, a careless attitude where he doesn't even care for his own health. ML finds the love of his life but cannot help the MC as it would mean betraying his entire sect, leading to his companion's demise, oh, and also his purpose for existing also would have disappeared.


The vivid smut scenes are like some sort of horrifying bait of guilty pleasure delivered to us by the author so that we may ease our suffering just as the characters do during their intercourse. Of course, each one is valuable because of the MC's condition and shows how the cold and distant ML slowly descends more and more into love.


I was terrified and charmed by the MC's inner mind, both happy (in a twisted way) that ML would suffer like he while also doing so that he could have a taste of happiness before his death, feeling guilt weighing upon his shoulders like a mountain.


If you read this, then you might as well read the equally heart-wrenching sequel (but not nearly as sad), you can make it through with a tumultuous amount of bittersweet emotions and at least feel ever so slightly more at rest...

Your pain shall not last long, it is merely 20 chapters... <<less
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srrrahim rated it
September 4, 2018
Status: Completed
Don`t understimate the tragedy tag

wuwuwu this CN is too much. MC died without knowing that ML actually love him. Well, he give some clue to MC, but ML didn`t bluntly said that he love him. WHYYYY

hahhh, , overall, this novel is good. Not my favorite, but this is a good novel to spend time
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meridianna rated it
July 16, 2018
Status: Completed
i know it's tragedy but I still thought I would be immune to angst. I underestimated it. I thought I would be ok and all. the result? no it's not ok at all. I cried in the end. and be haunted by it (?) :' (
the plot is actually very nice. the supporting characters are great even the numbers are not many. tho the most redeeming thing is the couple. idk, the MC is just rly hitting in the heart. how he feels indifference toward the world, but in... more>> the same time cannot hate it coz ML is in it. and how ML gradually falls in love with him.... it... it.... it is so nice :' (
makes me jealous and envious *cough*
the smut is great. I swear it's really great. there's not many novels which smut scene is really comparable with the plot/story.

but that last smut really scarred me. pls...... I don't want another only-dream-smut scene like Kara no Shoujo 2. err I know I'm ridiculous to compare eroge with danmei. still, that kind of scene really gets me traumatized.


i know I will remember this in a veeery long time albeit only 20 chap.

and now, I should read the sequel to negate the angst :"" <<less
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