Gaze at the Scenes of Debauchery


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They’ve been entangled together for 12 years. A gong whose affairs had become second nature, and a shou who was depressed and liked to torment himself. Cracks cannot be mended, one can only intentionally choose to either ignore or endure it.

Associated Names
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Related Series
The Decade of Deep Love (9)
Xia Niangniang (5)
Muted (4)
Love in Another Life: My Gentle Tyrant (1)
Friends with Benefits (1)
Yesterday (1)
Recommendation Lists
  1. violent yet delightful tragedies
  2. Book with lots of Onion
  3. Want to read
  4. {BL I want read}
  5. BL Completed

Latest Release

Date Group Release
11/27/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations extras
10/01/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c50-53 (end)
09/23/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c47-49
09/16/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c43-46
09/05/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c38-42
08/31/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c34-37
08/23/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c32-33
08/17/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c29-30
08/13/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c25-28
08/08/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c21-24
08/04/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c18-20
07/30/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c14-17
07/26/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c11-13
07/21/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c7-10
07/17/18 Exiled Rebels Scanlations c4-6
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76 Reviews sorted by

Lara Night
New Lara Night
October 14, 2021
Status: Completed
first few chapters and I already cried. Reminded me of old things.

The things that MC thought of, wonder of, is the same as the one that I always wonder of. Why is it too hard for human to stay loyal for their love, is forever ever means forever? The writing is simple yet it stabbed me deep. Human could change, still they never change.. You know what I mean.
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Alta rated it
November 18, 2018
Status: Completed
Beautifully written and well translated.

This short novel will make you feel so very deeply if you even just slightly understand what it means to love someone even if it breaks you. Otherwise, you'd probably just think the MC is s*upid for sticking for so long. It requires that maturity to appreciate, I guess.

Give it a chance.

Play a sad playlist on the side if you want.

It's a definite must-read.

P.S. I gained a whole new appreciation for the cover after I read it. It's amazing.

... more>>

Only one hand has a red string, doesn't it?

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eveitis rated it
September 6, 2018
Status: c40
Note-I only read up to chap 40 of this story
Warning-spoiler ahead

I totally misunderstood this story. Because of the author wrote this in beautiful word (I am based on the translation) I thought this is not like your typical 'one partner cheated on another' but it's totally cliche'. I also misunderstood on who the actual ML is. The MC being portrayed as someone who is strong in emotion but the truth is he got typical Stockholm Syndrome. He leaves everything that's good in his life to be with his partner... more>> (this is the actual ML I believe), he leave his good life to became a full time house partner in name of love. He turn blind eyes on his partner who cheated on him (FOR MULTIPLE TIMES) and stay with him for more than 10 years.


Another character show up (this is the one that I misunderstood as the ML). He's younger and the MC reject him saying he remind the MC for younger version of his partner and he can't waste another 10 years of the same relationship to repeat again (being cheated on).

I thought the turning point is when the MC have the courage to go out and work (MC and partner still together) but NO!. This is when MC meet one of his partner 'affair' but still no break up!. The partner feels insecure with his potential rival and request for MC to stop working and MC said OK. Stop working.

Instead of leaving his partner after he's sure his partner is cheated on him (this is not the same 'affair' as mention above), he let them be and only when they were caught in their bed (MC and partner) then he request for a break up.

MC goes MIA for 3 years and when he show up, the partner beg for them to be together. Typical 'you never know the real worth until you lose it'. But, MC refuse (at this point I am still excited reading this novel). Something matter happen and MC meet up with the rival (now a big shot CEO replacing his dad), rival request for MC to give them a try and MC said sure (but it was somehow sarcastically done in MC part. Totally no respect of the rival feeling).

Afterward, MC get a phone call saying that matter is resolved by his 10 years friend (the partner obviously). MC meet up with the rival and tell him to find someone who is worthy of his love (The MC does not worthy of his devotion and love at all) and call the partner for whatever.


Now I stop reading this novel. I gave it 3 star because it's beautifully written by the author. I can't accept character that's does not move on especially from cheating partner. The MC is somewhat portrayed as a victim of love but I disagree. The only character I love in this is the rival, he's innocent and under appreciated.

I don't know where the story will go. There might be a twist on this but I'm going to stop reading this.

I might come back after the story is finished and read the last chapter just to know on how the ending is. <<less
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Tsubakinon rated it
November 5, 2018
Status: Completed
The novel is painstakingly beautiful.

I think that 'beautiful' is still a shallow word to describe it.

There are so many love stories that are one of a kind but this...

It's tragic at the same time thought provoking.

You can feel the pang of the words straight at the heart, you will realize that the 'love' that's shallowly described is different.

It's sad, you will feel heartbroken (I literally sat down for quite a while and ponder about my life) prepare yourself if you're gonna read this.

One of my favourite lines is..

"... more>>

In the moment of freedom, he felt as though he embraced the entire world.

The world he so deeply loved.

He buried himself in a riot of colours, as if he had returned to the gentlest home in his dreams. Beneath the sunlight, a smile spread on his delicate face."

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holachica rated it
January 12, 2020
Status: --
You know, the end is really sad, but also a sort of catharsis.

Note: All you people going "omg I'm so sad why couldn't they live a happy life together T^T" need some sense knocked into their heads. Some of the stuff I saw in the Exiled Rebels comment section really sickened me, like, damn.

A so-called "HE" would probably be the cruelest thing the author could do to the MC, because up until the MC ended up in the hospital, at the end of the book, the ML wasn't truly sorry.... more>> He probably had apologized at some point, but he said it to placate the MC, not to apologize from his heart.

One does not have to mean it when they apologize.

  1. If ML had meant it, then he wouldn't have continued to act as he did--sure, he wanted to keep the MC by his side, but saying "You came back. Don't be pretentious" when the MC refused to have sex?". Big. Bruh. Moment.
  2. He clearly saw how in pain the MC was when the MC finally screamed out all his feelings--but he simple replied with "You're tired. Go to bed." The MC opened up, and the ML completely invalidated him. He doesn't even try to hear the MC out. He straight up shuts the MC down and walks away because he doesn't want to face all his wrongdoings.
  3. Sending the person he cheated on MC with (Yan ZiChen) to hang out with the MC "and make desserts"? There isn't even an explanation for this. Why the hell would you send your side piece to go entertain your emotionally struggling lover?
Before the MC truly snapped and purposefully mutilated his feet, the ML didn't actually regret anything he'd done. He never believed himself to have been in the wrong. There were many other paths that he could've taken, that perhaps, over the long term, would've allowed time to heal the MC's wounds--yet of all of them, he went with "There are obvious problems that should be addressed and discussed, but I'm just going to pretend everything is fine and move on."

Through it all, the MC held on with hope that the ML sincerely felt remorse and would change, but that hope was slowly ground away. The MC, in the hospital, realized the ML only held a flippant, "I did no wrong, it's all in the past just let it go" attitude and that was the final nail on the coffin so to speak.

Indeed, the ML still took the MC for granted. Knowing that he had the MC back, he quietly reverted to his old ways. We read this in chapters 47-49, where he basically admits outright that the possibility that the MC would leave him for good didn't even occur. He always "knew" the MC would come back--and now that he had the MC basically imprisoned? Even better. Now the MC would never be able to leave him. He claimed to love the MC, yet he failed to treat the MC justly every time. "Everything still had to go my way, and if things go wrong, the fault is not mine, " were his thoughts. He didn't want to face the fact that something was wrong--that what

he was doing, was wrong.

It was only in the hospital that he realized MC was not invincible. The bits of dialogue in chapter 50 (51?) was perhaps the most heartfelt on the ML's part out of everything else he's said because it was in those moments that he truly realized that the MC was really going to leave him. He faintly knew that somehow, this time, he'd gone too far. That the MC had grown tired and weary. That newfound dread manifested on a subconscious level when he gripped a corner MC's shirt as he fell asleep.

It's just that... he realized too late. The moment he realized that the MC could leave him, was the moment MC had decided to finally leave him for good. <<less
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lynnie rated it
August 5, 2018
Status: Completed
The author of this story provides somewhat depth to his/her characters. So far, I'm really enjoying this novel and also props to translators, they put out really good translation.

Also, even though there is a tragedy tag, it depends on how you view the ending... it may be a good ending or a bad one depending on your own perspective on what denotes a good/bad ending. So hope that you won't get deterred by the tags and give this novel a chance c:
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Reyleisha rated it
November 10, 2020
Status: Completed
Rating: 4/5- Very well written, moving and painful. The ending was certainly the best in my opinion.

This is certainly tragic and painful, however what made this story really affect me was how realistic and raw it is. People are that selfish and people really are that cruel.

I feel the choices the MC made really were what he thought was best for him and having encountered people like the ML in real life and seeing how destructive their actions are to the people who love them, I understood the MC mostly.

Perhaps... more>> in heterosexual relationships, some partners are left with children and find that it’s easier or necessary to stay or hold on (this is solely my opinion). They also have something “left” even if the other person leaves them, or vice versa. This story hurts because the MC really had nothing left except all his own sacrifices and the constant pain of loving someone too deeply and watching them treat your love like tr*sh. I cannot fault the MC for his pain or decisions. I also felt that the ML truly enjoyed the helplessness and dependency he caused the MC to feel, and that really triggered me because I know of people who behave this way in reality.

Just because a person loves you, does not mean you have won, does not make you the best and certainly does not mean you own them and all that they have. Love does not mean free reign and objectification of another.

The MC was also right in not rebounding, although I also understood how his wanting to get a sense of revenge made him hurt the SLS, he stopped when he saw he was going too far. I think no one is left untouched when made to feel abuse and neglect for years and unconsciously or consciously, they too, dole it out. We are only human after all.

I think as a whole, infidelity is taken too lightly in society and it has been for years, but for many of us who still believe in the purity and weight of love, it has a massive impact on our lives. Sometimes one only has a single opportunity to give love a chance and when that chance is betrayed, perhaps the existence of love for them is destroyed too.

This book really puts all of those feelings into words. It’s not a kind book and no one is likeable. However, real humans are not likeable either, we simply learn to love and that love makes unlikeable things acceptable. Eventually when we can no longer accept such, we can choose to move on or inflict our own evil emotions on others. Sometimes moving on may not be possible but freedom always is, one way or another.

This ending is neither happy nor sad, it’s inevitable (like Thanos said...) <<less
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April 20, 2019
Status: --
Great! The author really painted a realistic picture here. I almost never read tragedy novels because I can't stand angst/drama/s a d n e s s but the reviews pushed me to read this and I definitely don't regret it. Some might hate the MC because he's still with the ML in this but how long are twelve years really? MC's life has revolved around ML and being a housewife/husband for so many years... he hopes and believes that there's a chance that the ML will change his ways so... more>> he stays. The author really captures his optimism and overall strength of character, MC isn't weak - he's just willing to lower himself for ML in hopes that he'll change his behaviour. You can really feel the helplessness of the situation and the despair MC feels as he gradually gives up all hope - trapped in this toxic relationship.

Overall, it's a pretty short read. If you have an hour or two to spare, I'd highly recommend it. (Make sure you're somewhere private - with tissues... because you're going to cry.) + the authors writing style is pretty unique, really fits. 4/5 <<less
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qpzmal rated it
April 26, 2020
Status: Completed
Beautiful, angst, tear jerker, heartbreak, suicides, depression, sad, bad for your emotional levels, all that good stuff. Its beautiful in a broken and painful way and I feel mentally scarred but I don't regret it one bit.

I love the MC, he's beautiful, calm, slightly bad ass, and I hate the ML because of how he treated the MC.

... more>>

The ML directly hurt the MC so much that he caused him to leave, then the ML dragged the MC back and the MC couldn't take it anymore and didn't want to exist anymore.


The ending is happy yet bittersweet since


it would have been evil to let the MC to continue living after all he went through.

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JohnnyCakes rated it
March 22, 2019
Status: Completed
This novel really touched me in the feels. If you enjoy tragedy, sadness despair and painful heart palpitations (me) this book is for you! It was enjoyable to read whilst being painfully heart-wrenching. I am extremely thankful for the extras.

It left me with an empty feeling I usually get when finishing a novel, but a different kind of empty feeling.

This seems like the type of novel I’ll just randomly think about while trying to go to sleep at night.

I actually really enjoyed the ending. It was good. Sad, but good... more>> never the less.

I hate the ML :’D. <<less
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VioletC rated it
March 18, 2019
Status: extras

You'll die while reading this book!

It'll kill you gutless and you're unable to stop reading Midway through the story!

... more>> If you did you're gutless already so you better just continue reading!

And to me this book is one of the most heart wrenching and only book that I cried since the first chapter till the extra chapters...

It'll basically be a part of your life once you read through this unless you're not very emotional (like me).

Anyways, I won't forget it this whole year...

I started reading this book in January, hoping for a tear jerking love story, and I finished reading it in one night but hey I wrote this comment in March and all that happened in the book is still vivid to me so yeah


SUFFER WITH ME!!! <<less
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Timoaphy rated it
July 1, 2021
Status: Completed
A novel showcasing the true nature of betrayal and confusion. Somehow, human nature regarding sexual pleasure is equal to emotional love. When combined with male chauvinism or power struggle, it will only lead to debauchery and lecherous deeds leading to betrayal and emotional death.

What can I say with this novel?

It is just as it is meant to be. Showing you yet another perspective about what betrayal truly can lead to.
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Acidelia rated it
February 23, 2019
Status: extras
A really heart-wrenching story. The story leaves you with a sense of melancholy, perhaps from the realism of the toxic relationship the characters have with each other. The title is really fitting, for readers are merely left to helplessly observe the lives of the characters in the story, unable to do anything but trudge on and continue to read as the MC continues to maintain his unhealthy relationship with the scum of a person ML. To this end, this helplessness as observers to the relationship of the MC and ML... more>> adds to the sense of realistic tragedy, as you develop the understanding that the inability to change the course of others' life and their relationship with others maintains itself in real life.

Warning! I find that the feelings the MC has towards the ML can really resonate to people who've experienced it in their lives, whether personally or not. If I had to describe it, it would be that the MC undergoes this chosen self-torture with the inner expectation of the ML being better (or at least making better choices) and it clashing with the understanding of the cruel reality of how humans rarely change. Try as the MC may, he ultimately cannot escape the torturous cycle with ML, trapped by other's reluctance to let go of the long investment of their relationship.

But I think it was written best in the novel, that the relationship of the two can be described as dragging each other down into hell. <<less
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Berlin rated it
September 6, 2021
Status: --
This is one of the better dogblood tragic BL dramas I've read. ML is a piece of sh*t who cheats on the MC and regrets it too late. I find it realistic and believable how their relationship has fallen apart ever since the MC made the wrong choice of giving up everything to be with the ML - his career, social circles, family, everything. This is the biggest lesson from the novel and I hoped he would leave the ML behind and go with the second ML and get a... more>> happy ending. I believe that when he chose to give up his life for the ML, he unwittingly gave up that bright side of his personality which the ML liked as well. As a result, MC was unfulfilled with only his life revolving around the ML, and ML took to cheating as he climbed higher up the social ladder and their differences became more apparent, adding to how the MC has kind of faded as a person. Still, it is no excuse to cheat, and ML should have encouraged the MC to look for his own purpose outside of the four walls of their house. No one can survive off love alone in reality. Humans need dreams, goals and friends of their own to be mentally healthy, not one single person to fixate on for the rest of their life.


I'm glad that MC does leave the ML, but it's sad that he still can't forget the ML as they have too much history together and he was so depressed and tired of living for any happy ending to happen. This story would have ended with a HE if he could somehow walk out of his past, get healed with the help of the author, and be with the new ML, but unfortunately that isn't the case. Sadly, in most real life abusive relationships, the victims aren't able to do so, and it's already pretty good that MC was able to pack up and leave, and refuse to go back to the ML up till his last breath. For the MC, dying was the only way he could find peace, so I'm glad he didn't end up with the ML and managed to escape through death of his own choice in the end.


The novel also touched on a good topic about LGBT. Compared to typical straight couples, who can build a family with kids and in a way, get tied down with a new purpose, commitment and to-dos for their family, the sense of security falls short when as a gay couple, you have to constantly hide your relationship and there is nothing concrete in plans to show for it, in a society where you have to hide your relationship and can't even adopt a child. For any couple really, if there is no common goal or anything tying them together, once the honeymoon period of love is over, what is left behind? Reading this felt like reading a story about someone who has stayed stagnant and another who has moved too far apart, and the only thing that could have saved them was to move forward together. But both chose to ignore the problem at heart and fall back on their history and past love, which sadly did not last. <<less
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karwasama rated it
August 24, 2020
Status: extras
You know those nights when you feel a gaping emptiness that eats away at your stomach until it starts to physically hurt? And a crushing numbness weighs on your chest and makes it impossible for you to breathe?

Yeah, that feeling pretty much sums up this novel. It pained me to read this in a way other dogblood/drama/cheating novels couldn't, and when I finished I stared blankly at my screen with blurry vision for a while before I could pull myself together.

Despite the fact that the plot isn't particularly unique in... more>> it's genre (MC stays with the scummy ML for a long ass time, the ML is a piece of sh*t who cheats on the MC but still """"loves"""" him deep, deep down, another potential love interest pops up and chases the MC, ML realizes he f*cked up, ML tries to make up for his scummy behavior but in the end the MC leaves), it left a lasting impression on me. It may have been the beautiful writing and the intricate, vivid literary style of the author, but the angst just hit so much deeper here.

One thing that set it apart from the other novels is that from the beginning, the MC has already given up. There's genuine affection and care for the ML within him, but the MC knows better at this point than to trust the ML. And I like that. I like that he recognizes that just because he loves someone, it doesn't make them a person without severe flaws or a person who has never done him wrong. I think this learned distrust of the ML is what caused the MC to

subconsciously test the ML with the baker, which was interesting to watch unfold. This happens right after the ML promises the MC that he would stop his cheating ways. It may seem like self-sabotage to some, but in the end, didn't the ML sleep with the baker and prove he really wasn't prepared to be committed? It was a smart move on the MC's part. He protected himself from falling for the ML again, and he was finally able to kill what minuscule amount of hope was in his heart for their relationship.

I honestly find him so pitiful. He gave up so much for the MC. His job, his family, his friends.... even his personality. One of the most heartbreaking scenes in this novel (at least to me) is when the ML thinks back to a time when the MC was fiery and ready to fight any injustice that sprung his way. When you compare the him back then to the MC now, who just smiles and does nothing as the ML tramples over his trust and dignity, the grief is overwhelming.

Some readers may hate how passive the MC is, and I will admit it's frustrating, but I can understand it. The ML didn't start cheating until MC quit his job and lost contact with anyone else who was close to him. The MC was emotionally and financially dependent on the ML -- how could he just leave? Love makes a fool of everyone, and by the time the MC realized the ML wasn't the loving husband he married, it was probably too late. It's easy to say, as outside observers, that we would act differently if we were in that situation, but it would probably be a much different story if we were in his shoes.

Let's discuss the ML.

Let's see.

I would slap him, but I have too much self-respect than to willingly touch a pile of shit.

You feel me? He's a foul, pathetic little creature that got carried away in it's self importance and greed. In the end, despite my tears, I felt a burst of schadenfreude and found his grieving absolutely delightful. Part of me feels as if he could have suffered more, and not once was I sympathetic toward his immeasurable regret.

Because the bar is in f*cking Hell, I will begrudgingly relay sarcastic approval over the fact he never physically harms the MC (as in he never hits him or beats him up). In the grand scheme of things though, this means nothing as the ML is sexually coercive and abusive, and it's made so much worse by the fact that the MC has just given up. One scene in particular that got me was when

the ML makes a move on the MC and the MC refuses him, as he's in a bad spot mentally/emotionally, but the ML just says "stop acting pretentious". Holy shit. I was so angry I swear I saw stars. The MC, probably overwhelmed by the undeniable proof that the ML just doesn't care, that the ML values his sexual relief over the MC's own sanity, stops resisting and just lays there. And it's noted in the end that the ML never realizes the MC never got hard in the pursuit of his own pleasure. How absolutely vile of him, and heartbreaking for the MC.


What makes me hate him so much, in comparison to other scum MLs, is that he is so damn full of himself. He's deluded with the idea that he actually loves the MC, but in my opinion, it's nothing but obsession. He does not love the MC. When the MC leaves

for the first time, the ML gives an arrogant monologue about how it's only fair for the MC to have his turn at experiencing other partners, seeming to acknowledge his cheating as an issue. But if I'm being honest, the only motive I got letting the MC go was that he was just too lazy to bother pursing the MC. This wasn't a "oh, he deserves better than a shitty partner like me" moment. If it was, I feel like the ML would have made a genuine apology, rather than sneering at the MC leaving.


It's even more infuriating when the ML

sets up a "playdate" (odd choice of words but it definitely makes sense once you read the scene) between the baker and the MC. God, I was about to choke on the sheer audacity of the action. You think your husband would be happy talking to the guy you cheat on him with? Huh? And for the baker to go like "oh yeah he cheated on me but like trust me he only loves you, we only slept together once and he left immediately afterwards, you should forgive him".... if I were the MC, I would have stopped him mid rant to get a glass of water and shove the entire thing down his throat.


The ending was satisfying and unsatisfying at the same time. It's here that the ML truly realizes he's f*cked up, and it's not until the MC is gone that he finally gets over his arrogance and sees the error of his ways. It's genuinely too late, not because the MC won't listen but because he can't, and the fact there isn't even a possibility makes his suffering so much sweeter. I like how the author didn't forget about

the girl who ran the bakery shop with the MC. It was heartbreaking to hear her recount the tales of the MC in "Australia", but I will say it was a fantastic way for the author to give us more knives. In the, you know, heart. Yeah :)

The second male lead was pretty average throughout the whole novel, nothing much about him that makes him stand out from novels of the same genre (hence why I didn't mention him before), but I was happy with the future the author implied for him in the epilogues.

It just bothers me a bit that the MC never really got even a taste of true happiness before his end. Not even a single moment from the start of the novel to the end when he is genuinely content and loved. Again, how pitiful.

Regardless, this review has gone on for far too long. I'll sum it up by saying it is a novel that utilizes a common "scum gong" trope but with a twist, and that it is perfect as an angsty read. Despite how much I hated the ML, I enjoyed it for what I expected it to be (full of dog blood and regret), and I must say it is my favorite among its genre. I rate it a 4.5/5.0 stars. <<less
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SilverSerenity rated it
November 28, 2018
Status: Completed
I don't know how I feel about this novel. The helplessness, the obsessions, the lack of willingness to open oneself up to the possibilities of something better, and resigning oneself to suffering until breaking...... it takes all kinds of people to make this world work I suppose.

Overall, very well written with a thought provoking topic. I dislike the ending, there was nothing 'happy' about it.

ExiledRebels translates beautifully and always manages to capture the words and feelings within the works they select.... very well done y'all.
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October 29, 2018
Status: Completed
This novel is actually a short story. Every chapter is short but the feelings and emotions delivered will blow you. It's tag as tragedy so those who have a weak heart and mind may not read this BUT I want you to give this story a chance, maybe just to get out of the norm of reading all those fluffy bl novels. The translator really did a good job on this novel. As for the ending, I have mixed emotions for it, I feel sad that things had to end... more>> like that at the same time I feel that it was for the best. *Sigh* *tears falling* I wish in the next life, Wen Qing could have a fulfilling and a very happy life.


Perepare lots of tissue when reading this and a fluffly novel with lots of sweetness to read next!

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LivingNB00ks rated it
February 1, 2019
Status: c50
Why did it only allow me to vote 4.0?!

Anyways, I have always wearily passed this off whenever I see it because of its synopsis. I felt it was a pretty bad novel not in a sense that the author was a terrible amateur writer but that it was an author that was sadistic. 12 years of a lifetime with a gong who had affairs and a shou that was tormenting himself into depression it seems be something I cannot swallow and in addtion to the words affair depression and self... more>> torment the visual cover: a red thread but how come I don’t see where the end is and why is it that those hands did not at all comfortingly clasp each other instead they hung around eachother not meeting at all.

I dont know what got into me to reading it. I was too curious.

First chapter was a spike of agony.

second chapter and the chapter after made me writhe in pain like an insane mentally ill patient.

I hate affairs and even more I hate it when the character endures in pain because I have also endured in pain.

I hate how I was reading such familiar things. I wanted something like a reborn to quickly dull the pain but I fell too deep into the main character’s feelings and thoughts.

To sum it up: I didn’t regret. It was quite good. <<less
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December 2, 2018
Status: Completed

So heart-wrenching....

Terribly realistic..

I think this is a perfect novel when you're heart-broken and need to cry your heart out.

The ending was satisfying for me, although I for sure hoped for a different end. Kind of suspected it from the beginning.

The extras also complement the main story very well..

Totally worth your time!
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dhyll rated it
August 20, 2021
Status: Completed
I read this story without knowing anything. It was sitting on my bookmark folder so I thought why not read it. Didn't know I jumped in a pit full of knives, damn my tear ducts were overworked when I read this.

I think this was the first hurt/no comfort kind of novel I've encountered and it was good, great even. But after I finished this I had to take time off because it made me down for a long time.

  1. Spoiler

    The ending was satisfactory albeit sad. The demon in me was happy ML is hurt like deserved a-hole. I couldn't sympathize with him bc he was the one who ruined everything. He took MC for granted now he's acting like he cared. You only realize someone's worth when they're gone huh. Freaking dumb***. Actually he was the one who destroyed MC like he wasn't the one who pulled the trigger but he was the one who handed him a gun. I absolutely hate him.

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sangwoo_444 rated it
February 5, 2021
Status: Completed
This novel gave me too many unsettling emotions. I didn't cry or anything, I was just numb throughout the whole story. My mind was not in the best condition and that is probably why I gave it 4 stars and couldn't really get into it. The actual rating is probably a 4.3-4.5 and I might have liked it better if I read it in a better time.
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In this novel, I somehow felt that the most pitiful character was neither the MC nor the ML but rather the 2nd ML, Wen Bai. I can't explain it, but I felt like he suffered too much for something he didn't do.
He couldn't get the MC's affection and neither could he let go of the MC even after his death and was constantly tormented by the thoughts of MC even though he tried to forget and fall in love with someone else.

I read another novel just before this (you might've read it, 'The Decade of Deep Love') and since they are both SE, I inevitably ended up comparing it and contrary to most readers, actually liked that one better than this. I'm a sucker for happy endings so it makes sense, I guess?

At least the MC in that book let go and instead spent his last moments with someone who treasured him.
This story was however, was realistic in the sense that yes, sometimes you cannot let go no matter what, because there's nothing left for you if you do. And its not just that, its the love and hope that maybe, just maybe, the person will realize your hurt and come back to you and everything will be okay. It is also realistic in the sense that sometimes, no matter how much someone is willing to suffer for you, you could never give your affections to them.
The MC, Wen Qing, knew that Yan Han would never let him leave and he also knew he himself couldn't bear to, in the beginning. But how long can someone tolerate and go on without losing themselves? How long does a rock need to be watered down till it finally breaks to pieces?
Wen Qing realized that he couldn't go on and thus he ended himself and the relationship that had been tattered and broken beyond repair. But even until the very end, his love for Yan Han didn't dissipate. Despite all of the affairs that Yan Han had, despite having been betrayed and hurt by him time and again, Wen Qing still wanted the person to be beside him to be Yan Han.
That's also probably why I felt dissatisfied, because even till his end, he didn't think of Wen Bai who loved him and couldn't be bothered to give him a chance. But its not my place to judge, and this is also how things go in real life.
I felt that everyone in this story is selfish, even Wen Qing. He knew that Wen Bai wasn't completely sure about his feelings so chose not to bother him, not to drag him down. But at the same time, I felt like his actions just served to make a lasting impression on those around him.
It is revealed in the Wen Bai extra that he couldn't in fact, truly forget about Wen Qing, no matter what he did. The MC did escape but the ones connected with him would probably never be able to leave the past. In a way, it does seem like a twisted form of revenge to me.

All in all, it was a nice story, the kind that randomly pops into your mind when you're in a dark place. I didn't hate the MC but I did resent him somewhat for not letting go (because I knew I would have done the same and that's what makes me hate myself more.)

I did absolutely despise the ML because even until MC's suicide and the very end, he didn't seem to regret his actions. He even told MC to 'not be pretentious' after the MC didn't want to have s*x with him (after he came back) which just made me want to hurt him more.
His actions and words leave little to be desired and he seems like the perfect example of a true 'scum gong x yandere' combo (he said he would even tie up the MC to prevent him from leaving and since this is a modern novel, nothing seems more creepy than this).

It was sad, yes, but rather than being a 'cry-till-your-tears-have-dried', I felt it was more like 'contemplate-your-life-and-feel-a-bone-deep-sadness' type novel because it was like a glimpse into the real life. <<less
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