Pain Fetish


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Five years ago, on a graduation trip, Fu Ge broke through the twenty-two prayer flags on the racecourse. Holding the reins in his hand, he stepped on the snowy slope, smiling brightly and wantonly.

Qi Han: “If you win, what reward do you want?”

Fu Ge: “I want a temporary mark, the kind with the pheromones injected.”

Qi Han: “What if you lose?”

Fu Ge: “If I lose, I’ll use these twenty prayer flags to pray for you, and Ah Han will always be safe.”

That night the Alpha marked him eagerly and fiercely all over the back of his glandless neck, and Fu Ge took it for granted that his lover loved him too.

He never expected that eight months later, Qi Han would put the chains on him with his own hands, sneering, “You didn’t really think I liked you, did you? You and your love are worth nothing to me.”

Blinded by years of hatred, Qi Han thought that Fu Ge was using him from beginning to end, until the moment the truth came out and he was so sorry that his heart broke.

Five years later, they met again after a long time. Faced with Fu Ge’s drastic change in character, Qi Han—

“Wife, the pheromones are ready, do you want to use them now?”

“Wife, do you want to unplug my oxygen tube? Be careful not to leave fingerprints.”

“Wife, see this little box? Till death do us part, let’s sleep in this big bed together, okay?”

Fu Ge: “Go die, you.”

One regrets to death, the other hates to death.

“Every bit of pain you give me, I’ll suffer gladly.”

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21 Reviews sorted by

New abhi_2296 rated it
February 22, 2024
Status: Completed
The angst train. Seat tight, it's going to be a ride.

I loved the set of knives the author had. Her scum gong (Qi Han) was so flawed yet so pitiful. Maybe, I also liked it because Fu Ge’s love and hatred both ran so deeply. Because sometimes when I read stuff like this, the shou is tired and would rather stay away from the gong. Me as the reader is also like yeah man just let it end. Both of you go your own separate ways.

But here. No, I wanted... more>> to see how this toxic, dark, tale of love and hatred would play out. I was fully invested. An interesting and intense read. I was restless and craving some dog blood angst like this. In my opinion it’s well done angst which is the good part.

I like how Qi Han knows. Some logical consistency there. He is the youngest head of the chamber of commerce in history. He would be a fool if he didn’t figure it out. Honestly chef’s kiss. I adore Fu Ge for this. Why go down in misery alone. Drag him to hell. Just like he did

Haha the author was amazing. She had me seesawing. Feeling pitiful and satisfied at the same time.

The built up to the wedding chilling. Seeing the dance of pain and tragedy was exhilarating

Ah the funeral. The author hit all my buttons with that one. Making his own funeral arrangements. Knowing nobody would care. A terminally ill patient who cannot stop the disease he caused by his own hands. It was not a virus but a heart-breaking disease of his own making that all began with pain, heart-break and betrayal.

Love it. Smacks hand! Give me the crazy ass vindictive shou any day please!

It is an HE. But the ending is a little eyebrow raising and unconvincing (not the fact that they ended up together). But like the general premise/context of the ending. <<less
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New Asheza
February 9, 2024
Status: Completed
For readers that is new to wife-chasing stories, I greatly do not recommend this book to you as it is a very very painful story to read. But in general, I actually love this story.

This novel is also not for weak willed or sensitive readers, this is not a taunt. I literally got intensely depressed consistently when I took breaks from opening my phone and I sobbed so hard on some chapters I fell asleep making my eyes swollen LOL.

Even as I finished the entirety of the book,... more>> my heart and head still hurts from visualizing the bits and pieces of it.

The title isn't just talking about the suffering of our couple in the story but also the readers who didn't miss every chapter of the novel. I am not goimg to deny my journey reading this. It hurts so bad yet I cannot stop reading it until the end hahaha.

I was bawling throughout lol. I really am happy for them in the end. This is one of the rare instances that I still continued reading until the end. I am not much of a fan of a novel with hundreds of chapters and that is one reason why I like this book, aside from the heartwretching adventure of our MC and ML. It was so satisfying to read. <<less
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YunYun1 rated it
April 6, 2023
Status: Completed
See the title of this novel? This is what you need to have to enjoy it. If you're not willing to "suffer gladly every bit of pain" the author is going to give you... it's better to stay away. Because it'll hurt, and then hurt, and then hurt some more.

The genre of the story is "wife chasing crematorium", so it means in the beginning the MC (shou) is going to suffer from the ML's (gong) abuse. Then the ML is going to regret and repent, suffer retribution and try to... more>> chase his "wife" back. This novel is definitely going to follow the formula. I can say at once, the first ten chapters are about the MC being abused by the ML, and then the crematorium part starts. But I absolutely don't recommend skipping these ten chapters because if you do, nothing will make sense later. Just grit your teeth, ten chapters are not that long. Even though they are going to be very painful... I normally try to stay away from the stories where there is r*pe between the main characters. This novel is an exclusion. And r*pe is only a part of the horrible things the ML does to the MC.

But I can guarantee that when the crematorium starts and it is the ML's turn to suffer, his suffering will not be any less painful. And it will be much longer. The author has a wide assortment of knives and is going to plunge every knife into the reader's heart (and twist it a few times for good measure).

The beginning of the story is constructed in a bit of a complicated way, so I'm going to put some things in a chronological order under the spoiler tag, at the same time trying not to spoil too much.


The MC (shou) is Fu Ge, the ML (gong) is Qi Han. Qi Han is an Alpha, Fu Ge is a Beta. They fell in love in high school, had a romantic graduation trip to Tibet and were going to marry. Everything was like a beautiful dream until Qi Han met Fu Ge's father. And it turned out that Fu Ge's father was the man that killed Qi Han's dad and tortured Qi Han himself a few years ago. Besides, Qi Han has a reason to believe that Fu Ge also approached him on purpose, to steal his dad's secrets.

So, on the day of their wedding, Qi Han appears with police, arrests Fu Ge's father, and locks Fu Ge in the bas**ent to r*pe and abuse him. After Fu Ge tries to commit su*cide, Qi Han lets him go, or rather throws him out to the street, alone, sick and helpless. They are eighteen years old at that time.

All this happens before the beginning of the story. When the story starts, five years have passed. Qi Han meets Fu Ge, who is amnesic (and in addition has a big bunch of other mental problems). Qi Han picks up Fu Ge very "generously", feeds him and gives him a place to live in exchange for s*xual services. After all, Fu Ge is the son of his enemy and a traitor, so, in Qi Han's opinion, he treats him very nicely, saving him from starving and being gang-r*ped in the street.

Little does Qi Han know that soon he will learn the truth about the past events - and then his regrets will be immeasurable.


Well, as you can see, the story is full of extremely cruel things, and it is just the beginning. Both main characters will suffer horribly and both main characters will hurt each other very badly. I actually hate it when some relationship is described as "toxic" but here I can say "toxic" doesn't even start covering it. But... I love this story, I love Fu Ge and Qi Han, and I want to walk their torturous way with them once more, that's why I started translating it.

There will be many surprises in the story, both big and small, many of them turning the picture upside down, so I'm not going to spoil more. I don't know if it is appropriate to speak about "enjoying" this story, but for me it was worth it. <<less
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huahua5555 rated it
June 26, 2023
Status: Completed
The novel was described as a “crematorium”, and this trope comes with certain rules. Taking into account the translator’s review plus tags plus knowing that it is HE 1x1 story, expecting something different from it would be like ordering a cheesecake and then throwing a tantrum that it doesn’t taste like a hamburger. My five-year-old sometimes does exactly that, of course.

In any case, I knew what I was going to get plot-wise when I started reading this story, so what I was interested in was the process, not the result.... more>> Every time I’m reading a crematorium novel, it is like balancing on a tightrope. Will I be able to forgive the ML by the time the MC forgives him? If not, I’ll feel disappointed and angry. Or will I feel that the MC is too cruel and indifferent and the ML deserves better? It happens much more rarely, I have to admit, but it also leaves me disappointed with the story.

“Pain Fetish” made me feel a lot. There were so many ups and downs in my mood while I was reading that now I have a bit of a problem recalling all of them. I got through the beginning of the novel just because the translator promised the MC would be abused by the ML for ten chapters only. I think I kinda missed the “by the ML” part because ten chapters passed, and the MC kept suffering, even though it was true, the ML stopped abusing him.


MC and ML met very young and fell in love passionately. There was a beautiful future waiting for them. But ML had a really horrible experience when he was a child; his father was killed in front of his eyes, he himself was tortured for two weeks and forced to differentiate into Alpha prematurely and violently. The culprit was never found. Now imagine the ML’s shock when he discovers that the culprit is the MC’s father and apparently the MC approached him to steal his secrets. Adding to that, ML gets the MC’s intimate photos with another man (malicious slander but by then the ML is already unable to make a sane judgement).

ML ruins the wedding MC prepared and abuses and tortures MC for two weeks in revenge - exactly the same time as he himself was tortured, considering it fair.

Damn, I’m trying to write all this calmly but I’m actually crying because it is SO PAINFUL! Everything hurts like hell!

I feel heartbroken for the child ML whose life was destroyed in a single day. He later says his father cooked for him his favorite fish but he didn’t have time to eat it because the criminals came and the nightmare started. ML was just fourteen years old when he had to suffer all this!

And then I think of the things he did to MC in retaliation, and I feel sick and desperate because they were so horrible. I can’t help questioning, after suffering so much, how could he inflict similar things on someone?!

But there is an answer in this question. It happens exactly because ML suffered like this. I am so angry with him for what he did to MC, I hate him for it - but I can’t bear to judge him. Who am I to judge him? I don’t think anyone who hasn't suffered through the same things has the right to judge him.

After ten chapters, the ML finds the truth about the MC being innocent. Revelations come one after another: MC never betrayed him. MC never cheated on him with another man. MC isn’t even the son of the man who killed ML's father.

So the ML madly regrets everything he did; but the problem is that after he let the MC go five years ago, the damage he did to MC didn’t stop. There are terrible, heartbreaking consequences for the MC, and the ML has to witness them one by one.


I see people calling what the ML did to the MC “unforgivable”. That’s the word that was on my tongue all the time as I kept reading. But the truth is that it is not exactly correct. No sin is unforgivable; everything depends on how deeply and sincerely the sinner repents for their sin.

And the ML truly repents. Starting from the moment he knows the truth for almost fifty chapters the ML is tortured by guilt and regrets. He has to watch how much damage he did to the MC with his own hands, and that would already be a bitter enough punishment. But...


That’s a big spoiler. The MC is actually not a soft little bunny who can only suffer. “Vengeance is mine” is about him. At the moment when you think in disappointment: did he already forgive the ML? - it turns out that the whole thing is the MC’s revenge plan.

So, on the one hand, the ML tortures himself with his guilt and regrets. On the other hand, this psychological (and sometimes physical torture) is directed by the MC.

And now again, some people think the MC is too cruel and should just... just what? Forgive? Move on? How can one decide for the MC what he must do without surviving what the MC had to go through? Who has the right to judge the MC? I certainly don’t dare.

The MC cannot move on. Taking revenge on the ML is the only way he can survive, the only reason for him to live, the only way he can go on. As for killing the ML... isn’t it exactly what he was going to do? Kill the ML and die with him, because he didn’t see the way to live. Please before you judge and accuse the MC of doing it the wrong way, think what he’s been through. It is not up to bystanders to decide what he “should” do. Even his family repeats again and again that they respect his choice whatever he does.


On the question whether the ML suffered more or less than the MC. This is just my take, of course, everyone can feel differently.


I think it cannot be compared in terms of “more” or “less”. Being r*ped and tortured by your beloved vs. being physically and mentally tortured by draining your pheromones while your beloved thanks someone else for that. Nearly dying from pneumonia vs. nearly dying from allergy. Getting your last hope to survive being destroyed by the casual action of your former beloved vs. watching your beloved planning to marry someone else. Ruined wedding vs. ruined wedding. Burned painting vs. burned relics. It is not balanced, it is not counted like that.

Five years ago the ML destroyed the MC completely, taking away EVERYTHING from him. Five years later the MC destroyed the ML completely, taking away EVERYTHING from him. Everything is everything; you can’t take more if there is none.

So I feel that yes, the ML paid in full. He paid until he had nothing but his last breath left - and that last breath he was ready to use to be tortured to death just to buy some time for the MC and the MC’s child he thinks is born from another partner.

If the ML couldn’t be forgiven then - who can be forgiven for what at all? Not to mention that the MC was never indifferent to him. He hated the ML but it was also because he had such intense feelings that he could make this step from hatred to love. It would be different if he really moved on - but he never did. You can like it or not but this is the truth.


On the last fifth of the novel:


I knew it was going to be HE because the translator said so. But for a very long time I was sure I would find HE unbelievable and far-fetched. Well, I didn’t. MC and ML are two broken people who hurt each other immensely. But they are also the only ones who can heal each other.

There is also a side pairing that I was very sceptical about because I was sure there was no way to make it work, especially in a few extras. And was I wrong! It was extremely heartbreaking and very satisfying.

The main pairing and the side painting also makes me think about another Bible reference, “sins of the fathers”. Not literally, of course, but if you think about that, it all comes from the previous generation. The ML, who was supposed to grow up as a healthy, happy teenager, was tortured and twisted because the criminals coveted his father’s secrets. The ML tortured the MC because he thought the MC was the son and the accomplice of the criminal. The ML in the side pairing is tortured for many years because of the crime of his mother. And the MC in the side pairing is traumatized for life because his parents rejected him. They all are children who suffered innocently. And it is great that the author shows there is hope for the next generation. The extra about Ah Jue’s problems was so touching, and it was so nice to feel the love of all the members of this family of three.


This is the longest review I’ve ever written but I just want to recall some moments that broke my heart to pieces:


MC having hallucinations and unable to tell illusions from reality.

MC being driven out of the isolation room he saved for a long time to book.

MC being fired after a month working in a restaurant because of a casual remark from ML.

MC waiting for French fries from ML after he already got ML arrested.

ML listening to the plastic lamp singing “Happy Birthday” to him.

ML thinking that he doesn’t deserve the wedding with MC, what he deserves is poison in his milk.

ML’s fake honeymoon and fake pictures he was making.

ML picking and dropping the drone parts on the road.

ML saying in MC’s dream: “So what if they are fake, aren’t fake good?”

ML telling about betting his life when paragliding, ready to die so that in the next life MC loved him sincerely.

And the moment I love the most, the pinnacle of the story for me - MC saying: “I forgive you, I forgive everything!”

32 Likes · Like Permalink | Report
May 13, 2023
Status: c60
Honestly, when I read the summary, I thought this was going to be your typical, "Abuse uke, uke runs away, seme chases and earns forgiveness after only 5 chapters, happily ever after"

But I was pleasantly suprise. For the next 10 chapters or so, you will see all the horrendous things being done to uke by seme.

... more>>

seme was in love with uke in there highschool times. But after uke 'betrayed' him, seme imprison his father on their wedding day and tortured uke for 14 days. After uke tries to kill himself, seme dropped him off outside when he was injured and sick. And for the next 5 years, uke lost all his money and had to paint to live.

Then seme found him again and gave uke a deal. In exchange for food and a house, uke has to let seme do s*xual things to him.

After that, uke began to hallucinate. He began to image seme as many different types of people.

One of them was Mr Bear Cub, a innocent lover who was a simp.

The other one was the 'sir' that took him in and gave him a house and clothes as well as saving him from being gangr*ped.

And the last one who is a monster who kidnapped and r*ped the uke for 14 days.

They were all the seme, but from different timelines.


And the chasing part gives me satisfaction. Seme basically tortured himself because of misunderstandings. I am not going to spoil too much, but everything starts to unravel after 8 chapters or so 😊 <<less
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Macabre74 rated it
July 3, 2023
Status: extra 11
I've got some experience with crematorium novels, but this one? This is on a different level.

If you want to cry with the protagonists in the palm of your hands, if you want to offer up your own heart and intestines to stop the pain for them, if you want to walk back and forth next to your bed chanting 'It's a Happy Ending, it's a Happy Ending, the author promised it's a Happy Ending' to get yourself to click on the 'next' button, if you want to cheer for every... more>> fleeting moment of warmth and sob every time the author throws another knife at your heart - read this novel now.

Despite the pain, there is PLENTY of dog food sprinkled throughout the entire story, you do not have to wait for the end of the novel for skinship. But be careful what you ask for, because every bit of happiness comes with a bag of knives.

Know what you're getting into with this novel - don't say 'I can handle a crematorium!' then rate it low because you couldn't handle it. Low ratings are not for novels that give you what you asked for, they're for novels that DON'T give you what you asked for. Don't be selfish or s*upid; the author put a lot of heart into the story, and the translator put a lot of time, effort, and probably tears into bringing this novel to us English readers, and seeing it downvoted for asinine reasons is surely disheartening. <<less
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kirakirakira rated it
July 23, 2023
Status: Completed
So much pain. This book made me cry like a baby. And I’m pretty sure I will remember it no matter how much time passes. The trope “love each other and kill each other” should have the portraits of Fu Ge and Qi Han to illustrate it. But no matter how painful it was, I never felt like dropping it. I wanted to see what happened next even when I had no hope anything good could ever happen. And the best thing is that the author manages to come up... more>> with the way out of this tragedy. There is a ray of light in the darkness, there is sugar among the knives. And I loved it, loved it. <<less
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milkydaddy rated it
August 18, 2023
Status: Completed
really good! Like the pain level is superb! No knives here, just chainsaws breezing through my heartstrings <3 good amount of twists and turns, satisfying crematorium part, tooth-rotting fluff done just right - it's essentially perfect! The author has a very unique arsenal of angst weapons she uses to tear me apart, so kudos to her! The translation is also amazing so kudos to the translator as well!
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Suzuranao rated it
July 5, 2023
Status: c30
Taking a break but not dropping it yet.

its a wife chasing crematorium alright. Terrible, acidic, bitter, and full, full of groveling from ML just as I love it. Only on ch 30 and it almost seems it’ll get better but apparently it’ll get even worse for ML so I can’t wait, just taking a break because it’s too much suffering.

Everytime I find myself even sympathizing a drop with ML I don’t even have to rationalize because it almost seems that author has read your mind and the next line is... more>> MC coldly scrubbing his past sins on his face. And ML did suffer so much according to story but I am in the camp its not enough yet yeah.

looking forward to future developments because this doesn’t seem that it could end as anything but a BE yet its a HE, so genuinely interested in how author will achieve it.

Tentative rating of 4 stars but its not me disliking it, just not quite convinced me yet. <<less
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Mel08 rated it
May 12, 2023
Status: --
I just want to talk about how convenient the author make the protagonists have the energy to suddenly amnesic, to suddenly schizophrenic, to suddenly have the energy to endure pain, to suddenly cheerful. It took them both 5 years to mindf*cked eo. Well, at least the ML repented.. At least the MC got his chance to bring all kinds of pain to the man who torture him. In real life, bastards like ML get to walk away plus not feeling any remorse whatsoever. Reading this work kind off gives me... more>> carthasis and the imagination of what could have been if everyone got someone like ML. But this is just a story among trillion of stories. Be it in real life or fiction. Thanks to the translator tho for picking this up. <<less
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idk how I should rate so I'm just leaving my thoughts here although no one would understand cz I'm writing from a readers perspective not to attract or repel potential new readers

Well it was a crematorium alright it did it's job n delivered I didn't really hate the story it really did make me feel suffocated n totally punched me raw not that I'm complaining that's what I came here for but after so much pain I'd totally not mind it being a BE cz these r exactly the kinds... more>> of plot you'd find in rebirth/transmigrating novels or well the backstory where it later turns to life changing/climbing higher n just having a better future for the MC

The thing I hate um hate is a strong word but I can't think an alternative anywho it was that after so much pain how do u get over it n get back together although I've seen plenty good examples this one just didn't show that part well enough idk like it doesn't fit in with the atmosphere or I guess them suddenly being all lovey dovey just made me cringe super hard it almost felt forced or out of place like (not a big spoiler but some may think otherwise)


The chapter xiao jue is kidnapped it was touching in some places like Fu ge suddenly doing a 180 cz how could anyone not but then we have xiao jue like his parts in that arc were just awkward like ok he'd be touched by a person who's become his savior but then the sudden closeness out of nowhere was creepy af maybe give us some buildup or something author

In this arc Qi hans part was quite well done but just when he carries the plot I liked the emotional rifts n it felt nice overall


Also the plan (big spoiler) :


Fu ge's grand plan to destroy qi han was totally ruined for me when it was revealed that he left a way out for qihan when it was the end.

It made feel that the revenge was pointless and we didn't achieve anything what was it all for, wasting everyone's time blood sweat tears money (in story) like why go through all that just to make a point n then get back together just to pretend that nothing happened.

It also made me feel that the feelings of anger hate and revenge were insincere after knowing the truth


I came to read this for the translator cz all I've read from them I've liked so far n the translator is really good at what they do just this one was a miss for me also noticed that the translator mostly only left reviews on crematorium novels even though they have other translation works 🤔 food for thought anyone? <<less
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Taliante rated it
November 7, 2023
Status: Completed
This is a really emotionally-overpowering story. If this is your first crematorium in any way or even your first BL story that's non-mainstream I don't recommend this story because it will be like deciding to learn how to swim and throwing your self into a riptide. The Author does not pull any of their punches at all, if anything they have added salt spikes to their brass knuckles. This story is truly an actual Wife Chasing (When the Top/Husband makes a mistake regrets it, and works hard to win back... more>> his "Wife" and restore their relationship) crematorium (Story where the character will feel as if they are in endless suffering like burning fire) so best to read in private because you will probably at least tear up at some point (and probably be sobbing in the beginning). This isn't one of those Beating Dog-husband stories (my term for when the crematorium is from the Gong[Top] being an actual privileged idiot that regrets lost love) pretending to be Wife Chasing crematoriums.

Before reading the story it's best to read ALL the tags and read YunYun1's review, because I think it's good to enter the story aware of all the possible warnings and you can get a sense at how deep the crematorium goes otherwise you'll regret it. Please don't make this your first real wife-chasing crematorium, but I highly recommend reading this story at some point. The tags are overwhelmingly dark, but hidden in that list is Persistant Love Interest and Second Chance. Ignoring the ending, if you think you should feel joy/enjoyment reading a crematorium at any moment in time before the pay-off or start of the HE, then you might be reading the wrong trope and it's probably best to go for a fluff (Genre filled with simple and sweet happiness) piece.

Initial Impression (ch 11 had to pause for a day to find ch 12)
Both characters are essentially starting together at the bottom of a dark well. The story will either be about one person beating up the other person in there and never escaping from the well (unlikely given the Second Chance tag) or with much struggle Fu Ge and Qi Han will learn to support each other and "Kuzco Climb" out of the well together. The reader is just the dog sitting on the edge watching what the two are doing and suffering along with the both of them because Fu Ge and Qi Han needs to climb out of the well to feed the hungry readers dog food (When couples show-off/display love). The story works because the dogfood tastes better when the dog reader is hungry (Please don't starve actual dogs and feed people actual dogfood).

Mid-Impression (ch 50 took a half-day break because my eyes was starting to hurt from crying so much)
Having just finished the story I can say that the dark well is an apt description, but what I said earlier when I just read the first few chapters was too tame. Yes they are both stuck at the bottom of the well but they aren't just trying to beat each other up while trying to escape. Fu Ge is desperately biting and clawing at Qi Han to not let him escape and also trying to use his corpse as a step to get higher and escape the well and find release, not realizing that a crumbled body won't be high enough to let him grab that well edge and pull himself free. Qi Han after regretting and falling into the well just wants a little sunshine even for just a brief moment to land on his face and that maybe saving Fu Ge will make enough room for that little bit of sunshine to reach him even if he can never escape the well. At the same time Qi Han is fighting himself because on one hand he wants Fu Ge to be happy, but on the other hand that warmth of Fu Ge feels warm like the sunshine even if at the same time it hurts and burns like the sun.

Final Impressions
A heart filled with rotten hate will either turn poisonous salting the heart and never allowing happiness to grow, or unknowingly that rot becomes a sort of fertilizer that's not very strong or healthy, but just enough to allow a small remaining shard of love to tremble clinging to life and send out one single root and wait for fate. Fate might be that the hate dries up and the love also dies leaving a calm still wasteland. It might be that a bird swoops down and digs out the shard to consume for itself. Yet fate could also be that a catalyst might appear like a cloud burst hydrating the earth washing the heart clean and allowing love to finally begin to grow, and from there it's up to Fu Ge and Qi Han to decide how to nurture that love.

This love was an incredibly well done section of the story that moment Fu Ge and Qi Han cultivated that love into a vine that they could use to climb out of the well together, not in a desperate struggle of trying to figure out how to work together, but like friends who got to meet for the first time in a long time. The sky might have been dark when they escaped the well, but the world has opened up and from then on it's just walking one step at a time together supporting each other when the other stumbles as they go through darkness towards the sun.

Final Thoughts
Love and hate are two sides of the same coin, not everyone is lucky to continuously make their love happy and to always be their protector. In that regard this story is a lot more realistic than in other stories even when taken to the extreme, and that's why I think this story is such a hard read. You can't stop at any point of the story, you can take a break, but you can't stop because the story is a build up. I'd say the absolute worst point to stop is at ch 30-32 because you think you see how this story is going to end, but you are so wrong it isn't even funny. Plot holes and what other reviewers thought were dumb to address:

Why is Qi Han able to move around even when being stabbed multiple times and being so wounded all the time?
-In most Omegaverse, pheromones are described as having a direct correlation to the strength and physic of the body. That's why Alphas are always seen as on top and why there is often a disparity between an Alpha sibling an Beta sibling depicted in stories. Sure genetics have an influence, but the pheromones act as a sort of power boost to alphas giving them more durable bodies and stronger minds. What might be a painful stab to someone normal could most likely be shrugged off by an Alpha

Wow, how could Fu Ge forgive Qi Han so easily?
-How heartless of a person do you think Fu Ge is? No matter how much you hate someone even you will at least wince when they snap a leg, that's a normal human response and Fu Ge already had those memories of love exerting at least a little pressure on him even in overpowering hate. If Fu Ge really didn't care and just wanted revenge, he would have just kidnapped him torture him with needles and injections for 14 days or however long to be satisfied, killed Qi Han and moved on with his life, but the revenge instead felt more like a how could you hurt me like this I want you to feel all the pain of not being loved that you gave to me exactly as I did instead of a I want you to suffer in any way or fashion as long as you are in pain.

Isn't it just a Deus ex Machina when Qi Han differentiates into an Enigma and survives infection?
-In the first place, Qi Han was never dying. You can read that he has always been able to stand above Alphas even of the same level which indicates he had that possibility of becoming an Enigma (In an earlier chapter he even said that Qi Chuan wasn't a match for him)

Addressing Vyathra's Review: "Hours later he got shoot by sniper right in the kokoro, said his last words and goodbye words. Later it was known that he was 'mirror' person, means his heart is on the opposite side."
-Ok first of all the author already gave hints that Qi Han had Situs inversus, this wasn't a sudden plot change contrivance. If you recall in chapter 52 "With the little Beta's mournful scream, Qi Han stabbed the knife into the right side of his chest." The Author specifically said he stabbed himself in the right which is where the heart typically develops towards for people with Situs inversus. For the "saying his last words and goodbye words" If you are shot in the chest you aren't thinking "Oh they didn't shoot my heart they just shot my lung i'll be fine", you are thinking "OH GOD they shot me in the chest. I'm dying. I have to say my last words to the one I love."


Funny coincidence while writing review

Sometimes I like to write reviews on stories that felt long to me because how I feel changes as the story progresses. The last paragraph of chapter 67 made me QAQ because I pretty much wrote something similar in my review while in chapter 60.

"Everything is decided by fate, nothing is controlled by people. Words are deceitful, everyone knows loneliness and loss, and it takes a hundred thousand miles of savage wilderness before the twilight finally breaks.

The day dawned, the pain was gone, and they were two seeds that fell into the ground safely."


Wow this is an excessively long review XD <<less
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bluedrop rated it
June 17, 2023
Status: --
This was one f*king hell of a masochistic read. The title of this is super appropriate for what the whole novel is, I'll give it that.

TLDR; I got so pissed I had to come write a review about it and vent. The translators did an amazing job, and I don't begrudge the people who liked this. It just wasn't for me.

Long ass rant-y review:

I'm not what you would call a squeamish reader. I don't mind, and occasionally enjoy, dark stories and others with heavy subject matter. I also turn a... more>> blind eye on non-con and dub-con on certain stories. My bottom line is also sometimes non-existent lol. (I still have a few dusty super dark Hannigram fics buried in my drives lol IYKYK)

This one though. The stuff that ML did to the MC was done out of pure hate and a desire to completely destroy MC. The amount of loathing to completely shatter someone physically, emotionally, mentally, and degrade them to the point they no longer resemble who they were originally.

It might be unfair to rate it a 1/5 when I haven't finished it (got to ch.45 before just giving up), and maybe it's one of those that you'll either really love it or really hate it. I really really wanted to drop it before reaching my usual 10-chapters-before-dropping rule. But the reviews said after the first 10 chapters, the wife chasing crematorium would really begin in earnest and ML starts to suffer.

F*ck that man. MC doesn't stop suffering at all for a long time. Also, I really think this needs a supernatural tag because the amount of physical trauma ML received that didn't render him disabled, but only held him back for maybe a few minutes. Dude must have a healing factor or something haha. Like one reviewer said, it's fiction, but it's really irrational, and not even in an entertaining way.

And that's the hook of it. I would have forgiven so much if this was even the slightest bit entertaining. But the way it opens up where the ML is a completely deplorable human being, and we barely get time to like the MC as a person for like the first 20 chapters made me feel like I was slogging through mud. I kept reading because I was really hopeful I'd find anything I'd eventually like, but it was like watching a train crash. It was hard to look away, but once you did, you wouldn't want to look back at the carnage.

Again. A masochistic experience to go through lol.

It got to the point where I just wished MC would walk away. Or kill the ML and walk away and disappear into the night. I lost a lot of respect for MC honestly when things kept going, but also started hating the story more, because the plot made it so MC couldn't survive without the ML. Like f*ck that, MC, just kys and make the ML suffer the ultimate torture of knowing he finally caused your death. RUIN HIM. Or better yet, ML just go die in a friggin ditch. Despite ML's horrible boohoo story, ML had zero charisma despite how much the story kept pushing him as a super hot and desirable "3S Alpha" with a dark backstory. LET HIM DIE *cough* As I was saying...

I hate tragedy, but I didn't mind this at all ending with tragedy. The idea that this ends in HE was what made me drop this.

Also, no, I don't think the ML suffers longer than the MC.


It's like we're conveniently forgetting the two years MC struggled, impoverished, in poor tortured mental health, in constant physical pain from receiving backlash from being separated from their mate, and various sequalae from a bad surgery. BRO WHERE THE HELL DID THE ML SUFFER LONGER. IT JUST FELT LIKE IT BECAUSE WE WERE READING HIM CHASING THE MC BUT THE MC SUFFERED JUST AS MUCH AS DURING THAT TIME.

MC barely had any time to heal away from ML, because he couldn't. Because the plot wouldn't let him. Because MC needed his revenge and made he went down the self-destruction path to destroy ML back.

So basically, ML was tortured as a kid and his dad was mu*dered. ML meets MC in HS. They fall in pure love with each other. ML finds out MC's adoptive dad is the source of ML's tragic past. ML doesn't know MC's dad was 'just an adoptive dad' (lol like it matters when technically MC's adoptive dad was still his dad). ML receives photos that makes ML believe MC cheated on him with a random alpha.

ML r*pes MC on their wedding night. Then plots MC's downfall. Tortures MC physically, mentally and emotionally. Plays so much mind games with MC. Degrades MC as a sl*t, destroys MC's dignity.

ML, thinking to lure out MC's lover (because ML won't listen to MC saying he was faithful to ML), tells MC to go pleasure MC's lover in return for getting the chance to contact MC's dad. MC misunderstands and thinks ML wants him to sell his body to a bunch of gross dudes to seal the deal. ML intentionally doesn't clear this misunderstanding, only thinking of finding out MC's affair partner. ML unknowingly gets MC almost gang-r*ped. Note that MC is 18. A teenager just like ML.

We later find out MC really believed ML was letting MC service a bunch of (as the novel put it) greasy pot-bellied gross ass old business men. MC is saved by a business competitor.

ML, not knowing MC almost was gang-r*ped, thinks MC's disheveled appearance is due to MC being a sl*t and sleeping with unknown lover. ML r*pes and assaults MC. Compounding the trauma and betrayal. ML goes back on their deal and kicks MC out of the car. MC is essentially homeless for two years. MC plots out his revenge off screen. Lays out a trap for ML for 3 years. Hooks ML back in and throws the truth all back in ML's face to emotionally torture ML.

But also, MC just ends up torturing themselves honestly. I couldn't like or respect MC because MC just couldn't end things already and just f*king kill ML like ugh. MC has a lot of self-loathing, continues to self-destruct in the name of revenge.

Edit: Came back to skim the remaining 30 or so chapters I hadn't finished. Utterly underserved ending. I wish this ended in flames.

A lot of 'will they won't they'. Lots of lying and torturing each other and themselves. It eventually devolves into complete dog-blood. And then reconciliation.

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holachica rated it
May 22, 2023
Status: --
The writing, and the plot... everything feels immature.
... more>>

I'm all for scum ML novels, but this one... idk, maybe I've just grown beyond it, but it honestly comes off pretty s*upid at times. But, if some mindless binge reading is what you're up for, then go for it. It has the dog-blood, it has the torture, pain, drama, and plot holes that exemplify the genre. It has the, MC suffers, the ML repents, then ML suffers, etc. etc.

I say mindless, because, as I read the tragic past all I could think was... "ain't no damn way the author put that on paper." The supposed betrayal:

Qi Han looked at the absurdity in front of him as if his soul was separated from his body and listened to their unrestrained conversation.

"Xiao Ge, have you brought the manuscript?"

"I have."

"What about that boy Qi Han, have you caught him?"


"How was that, the hunting plan Dad made for you worked well, didn't it?"

Fu Ge nodded and put the silk paper and a thick album into the safe. Qi Han raised his eyes in despair and saw a few words written in plain sight on the cover: Qi Han's hunting plan.

Then ML runs out into the rain (or whatever), inconsolable and devastated, gets bonked by a car, and he bleeds out on the ground. I sht you not. Like, if the injury was serious enough to leave him incapacitated, bleeding out on the ground--how was he even in one piece for all the drama that happened later?

Oh yeah, and the author also goes like this:

"Fu Ge did not love him at all. It was just a trick his father's mu*derer had come up with to get close to him and cheat him out of the manuscript."

Honestly, it's pretty obvious the author didn't care about remote believability. They just wanted a plot device to justify the subsequent abuse of MC on ML, and vice versa. /spoiler]

Like, there's just no way they be having, "Qi Han's hunting plan" as a file. I was laughing in pain. I can't make this up. It's giving Y/N fanfiction vibes.

Beats me how someone cried to it, when all I could think about while reading was, damn, the author be a comedic genius. It was hard to take the novel seriously. Also, the author must be a severely sexually repressed person. Cos the sheer amount of s*xual torture mentioned. Jeez. The MC also be getting bashed around like a rag doll, and the ML be getting stabbed in the neck and stomach with no ramifications to his health.

Anyways, what I'm getting at is, read it; just, be prepared to lose a few braincells. It's like fast food.

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April 17, 2023
Status: c10
I have never read anything this sad before. I spent the whole night crying and I am not even past 10 chapters. Great novel, but I don’t think I can take anymore. If anyone completes this, then please write spoilers about what happens. Thank you.
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Wolffenrir rated it
July 9, 2023
Status: c31
I agree with the hannigram mention review, in fact I dont usually leave reviews but I felt inspired to write one after reading that. Note that im currently only at chapter 31 and probably wont continue though. What is this?? The novel had so much promise at first, the reveal of what happened a few years back that led to the severe deterioration of the MC unfolded slowly and draws u in and makes u wanna know more. He had hallucinations and ptsd and amnesia for f*ck's sake. Thats like... more>> 3 in a row for fked up alright. It turns out it was all caused by our lovely Ml, by which point u would be wondering, how could this even be redeemed? Is there anything left to redeem? What, is ML made of gold?

In fact, I really believe ML is the real protagonist of this novel, with how much the author is working hard to make him seem pitiful. The whole point of wife chasing crematoriums is to watch scum Mls grovel, yes, but once u pass the fine line of the past wrongs they committed being, in the first place, forgiveable, then the author has to spend the whole goddamn novel trying to convince the readers that yes, really, the ML has repented, look at how miserable he is! At that point MC who was the victim in the first place is inevitably pushed aside and his recovery process, emotional growth etc shunted in favour for showing how much pain the scum ML is now. Like for example, the author kept going on about ML feeling bad after MC does this and that to him, crushing his sincere repenting heart, to the point readers feel that he suffered more than MC. Like no??? MC was the victim who did nothing wrong in the first place. In fact he was the most pitiful, he didnt even have blood relations to the bastard who harmed Ml's family. Like MC said himself, someone hurt ML and ML hurt MC. Mc's victimhood is worse than ML when he was younger cos the villain was the lover he trusted with all his heart. And Ml, even though it was a misunderstanding, is as bad as the people who tortured him for 2 weeks straight back when he was a child. Worse actually, bc he didn't even investigate his assumptions for the man he was ready to marry some time ago and immediately went straight to condemning him and wishing to stomp the very soul outta him. Like that takes insane malice from a human being, uk? He even r*ped him, which his torturers didnt do. Then he has the gall to act pitiful when he comes to his senses after finding out the truth and thinks he's sorry??? Getting jealous over other people and wanting MC to see that he regrets it? What??? Is MC so cheap that his pain can be excused with that bit of emotion? When it was done to ML himself by some strangers, it carved such a deep hatred in him he felt the need to confer it all to his torturer's supposed son without finding out the truth as he lost his mind from the betrayal-- and MC is supposed to dust his ass and say it's okay after facing that torture and additionally r*pe from the person he was going to dedicate his life to? The shamelessness!! The hypocrisy had me frothing at the mouth!!!!

THEN MC. HE SAYS he wants revenge, stabs ML multiple times, fine, im very happy, then what happened? Stockholm by way of pheromones? Basically ML extracts his pheromones, which is very painful, to cure Mc's botched mark removal operation (look, another problem that MC wouldnt have if ML didnt happen), bc the other way is to redo the operation which will cause the MC pain and he doesnt want that. Idk what happened to anesthesia btw. His past operation was obviously shady bc he was broke, but it's on Ml's dime now, right? He can surely afford anesthesia for the operation, which is unlike Ml's pheromone extraction that has to be done naturally if not it wouldnt work (ie author giving a chance for ML to suffer to reap points). MC refuses bc he doesnt want Ml's pheromones in him anymore to be stuck for life and suffer estrus, ML lies and brings in another alpha to pretend to extract pheromones while still secretly using his own, bc the process is so painful no one else would be willing to do it. Others keep saying he's making a wedding dress for the other alpha to reap Mc's gratefulness, in the end Ml's 'sacrifices' are revealed and MC feels grateful and guilty blabla, especially bc ML has trauma for needles from his childhood. Everyone's happy. Well, I'm not convinced. Firstly ML himself came up with that melodramatic plot when MC was very clear in the first place he did NOT want Ml's pheromones bc he doesnt want to be bound to him for life, and he even went through that shady surgery years ago for the purpose of removing the mark. Why would he want to repair it? To further tie himself to the Ml? He even expresses he would rather wither and die than use Ml's pheromones. I think it's very reasonable. Ofc, ML self righteously goes and does it anyways, believing it to be the best decision for Mc's health like he has the right to make choices for him regardless of what MC thinks. He even used a substitute and pretended the new pheromones are from another alpha, thus tricking the MC into accepting his pheromones once again. What sacrifice? What great pain? I find it disgusting and extremely malicious to lie that way to a person even if u genuinely have their best interests in heart, LET ALONE ML, MC'S EX RAPIST AND CAPTOR!! Screw that 'i just dont want to cause him pain', I think ure very happy to have the chance to continue hounding him and binding him to yourself for life, selfish bastard!!

Go a step further, apparently injecting Ml's pheromones made the MC more receptive to him. This is shown a few times in the novel where MC softens and ML is Very clear it's only happened bc the pheromone volume he received was higher that day. What... Do u want me to clap for such a plot?? Ml's expertly done stage play and direction that makes MC become more receptive to him gradually due to the pheromones that he didnt consent to, ultimately forgiving ML and having a sappy love story like his 5yrs of pain is nothing more than that. What a touching story! 5 stars! No thanks. To his credit, ML gives MC the chance to report him or kill him a few times, which doesnt seem insincere as he even plans for MC after his death, but MC with all his hatred and disgust and willingness to hurt Ml... Just doesnt take it. He just doesn't. And he's touched by it. At this point, im speechless. I feel like ive been cheated of my feelings, like my indignation for the MC, my hopes for him were just taken as a joke. If he never had the inclination for violence or revenge, if ML didnt commit such unforgivable crimes towards him, fine, but it was never like that. It feels like MC was willing to continue with his hated captor, betrayer, someone who r*ped him and he thinks gave him to his business contacts to gang r*pe, and I was the only clown who wanted him to leave that goddamn bastard and move on and get better. It's just disappointing. His 5yrs of pain, despair, botched surgery and suffering through estrus as a beta alone, his r*pe, his torture and confinement, vs Ml's few days of self directed, self acted masochistic pheromone extraction drama and guilt and the latter wins out.

Okay then, every circus has their clowns, I surely wont involve myself in this more than now. 2/5 <<less
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September 30, 2023
Status: c64

I was dropping this novel 3 times before I managed to continue till this far. But I'm sorry I don't have that much courage. I can't continue anymore.

I was really crying and bawling my eyes out in earlier chapters, that's why I gave this novel 2nd-3rd-4th chance.

... more>> But I really can't continue anymore. I can't control my laugh, it's so absurd T_T

Do you all know 'makjang'? It's a korean drama term btw. Just go search it up. This is 100% certified makjang. A funny hillarious absurd weird makjang. Oh god. Even now I still can't stop laughing, why author whaaaaaayyyyyyyy just whaaaaayyyy

I will try to explain why it's absurd with a short snip of the story :


He was in a really bad mental breakdown, like even hallucinations, scizo etc when suddenly he needs to fight the bad guys to save people. Really suddenly, happens in minutes (?). I mean with guns, motorcycle racing stuff. To save an unexpected and important people that I think only existed for the sake of this arc and really just recently being introduced by the author.

After that he was in a coma for days, wake up, got pretty sick and wounded, his days are numbered, then he got differentiated into more higher than alpha 3S (enigma (?)). Miracolously he was saved from his terminal illness. The only one higher being than 3S alpha in the country, even world. Okay fine imma still continue reading this.

Hours later he got shoot by sniper right in the kokoro, said his last words and goodbye words. Later it was known that he was 'mirror' person, means his heart is on the opposite side. AAAAAA sigh T_T


Dropped, can't continue anymore. The plot armor is even thicker than my wallet.

No offense to people who like this 'makjang' type of novel... Since I read too much fluffy novels this month and I still need angsty novel to balance it so that's why I read this, but, uh... Yep, no, not really my cup of tea.

I indeed cried badly in the earlier chapters. Untill it was getting more ridiculous in latter half and I can't stop sighing and laughing. I'm sorry especially for translator san. Thanks, u did a good job :')

1 star for you translator san, 1 star for the author, they have tried their best at least! <<less
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Hippopotamus rated it
June 6, 2023
Status: c15
Unfortunately. I can't bring myself to continue. This is fiction, of course. Anything can happen according to the author's will. But, at least there should be a bottom line, right? 😧

I am sorry, but I really can't bring myself to continue. This is beyond ridiculous, in my opinion. The way ML tortured MC, the way MC tortured ML for revenge, ML's past... Everything. I just can't accept it, my logic can't accept. So I drop this novel.

There are many tragedy novels that have better quality than this one. I don't... more>> need to torture myself here... <<less
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MissyHani rated it
January 21, 2024
Status: Completed
Well, I literally felt the pain. Seriously, you wont regret it. You will miss out great book.
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damnmei rated it
September 22, 2023
Status: Completed
Y'all... by chapter 10... the amount of stabbing and blood loss is just not realistic. They don't ever treat their injuries. How are either of them alive??? Like I'm even laughing a bit typing this because there's just no way. I'll try to keep reading but I just have to take a second to complain about this because it's really taking me out of the story. Both of them should have bled out by now, there's just no way around it. I just can't picture this story actually happening.

The torture... more>> scenes without all the stabbing though are intense for both ML's childhood and MC's past. Definitely conveys just why the two of them have ended up as they are. However I really don't think I am going to be able to forgive the ML in this one. He legitimately tortured in the the most inhumane way an entirely innocent person. How are we going to move past that?? Especially given how

MC is literally innocent of literally everything. The man who tortured ML isn't even MC's real dad. There's no way this is going to be convincing for me haha


I think this is why most crematorium novels involve a rebirth because there's just way too much physical torture and lasting after effects in this novel for me to just move on from all of that. Like I respect this novel for not trying to hand wave and just rebirth away the physical pain, but you know??? Maybe this novel needs that ok. Maybe it's necessary. I don't know. I get not wanting to supernatural away pain, but the author basically is keeping the two leads alive despite the frankly excessive blood loss through sheer force of plot, so.

Anyways I'll update with how I feel at the end, I'm still only on chapter 20 and I can't fully judge a book until I've read it all. Unfortunately. Somehow I'll make it through the rest... this really is just torture p*rn god damn. I want them to get together just to make it stop lmao. That or for ML to just die already, but given that this is a HE... little chance of that haha

OK so against all odds, this novel actually made me cry!!! The level of pain was honestly a little ridiculous after a certain point, but damn if the end of Chapter 52 didn't actually get to me. Alright so final thoughts, do I think they're a good couple? No way. Do I think ML suffered enough? I mean... I guess??? But also no?? Honestly ML's suffering did not make me feel that MC should have forgiven him. Like after a certain point there's just no going back for me. Maybe in another life they could have worked, in a world without all the torture and PTSD.

Honestly a BE would be better for this story, but I also can't handle BE novels so I probably would not have read this otherwise. Since it's a HE, I'll just say if they are happy together then what can I really say, let them be happy I guess. They're fictional characters. It's fine. They're cute together after they make up and I appreciate ML's accountability for his mistakes. As MC says, the true healing is letting go, but if only they could have let go of each other.

Also not me cracking up when it was revealed that ML had differentiated again into an

"Enigma" and could now mark even a Beta. I just had to laugh. What a deus ex machina...

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rattlesnake753 rated it
August 25, 2023
Status: c60
Soooo, I knew from the tags and comments what will happen but I feel strangely unsatisfied, I would honestly prefer for this to be a pure tragedy.

... more>>

I didn't want them to end up together I cried my eyes out basically from chapter 2 😅. MC and ML are really masochistic, they really should just give up at some point but they can't stop mixing the good past memories with the guilt and resentment coming from bad memories, and the fricking child later was a ridiculous plot device. There is quite a few plot holes in the story but I hadn't come here for anything other than pain and dogplot revenge.

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