edit: and it gets even better as you go on. sigh... im so in love. Edwin 'i-cant-stop-her-from-heading-into-dangerous-situations-so-ill-just-destroy-the-danger-itself' Vikander. AND THE 'DANGER' being a literal empire, like helloooo?!? where in the world can I find a man like this?!

also the way they kissed like 4 times the entire novel like I need more☹️

the wedding night🤭 (*///v///*) ??? the PROPOSAL??? Muah.

I feel extremely sick at the fate Maria suffered. From the moment she was introduced, to the tiny little snippets of her perspective and how the disgusting ex fiancé treated her----I knew that she would suffer a terrible fate due to the blind love she had for the disgusting ex fiancé. I think that it was almost showing what the FL's life could've been if she stuck next to that disgusting excuse of a fiancé, but I still feel sorta bad for Maria.

Tbf she was s*upid as well but still, that ending was very terrible, though well-deserved and well-written at that point. It's actually incredibly frustrating. Why are the people who helped betray FL being punished, but not the one who actually betrayed her (ugly annoying ex fiancé) ?

HELPP AT CH 61 AND THEY'RE STILL GETTING FLUSTERED OVER KISSING HANDS THEYRE SO CUTE he just gave her the ring and ugh just kill me💘

CONARD FINDING HER DIARY WHERE SHE WROTE ABT THE FAMILY'S VERBAL ABUSE. for context Conard is the as*hole brother.
Heres some of the things she wrote☹️

[Let's never do that, Olivia. Don't make mistakes, think for yourself. ]

[Just write it down and memorize it. Brother Conrad said like that. Just write it down and memorize it. Olivia, you can do it. ]
explanation -------> he said "It's because of you! If you can't understand it, write it down and memorize it! Because of you! Don't stand out and live a distorted life!" 🤬 SHE WAS JUST SIX WHEN SHE WROTE THIS STOP</3

Ch 134</3

"Please, protect me just this once. Don't leave me alone during the banquet."
"Please, just have some tea, I really put a lot of care into it."
"Please, please hang my portrait in just one corner of the room."
"Please, just look at me once."
"Please, acknowledge me."
"Please, please, please, father."
"..... father. Please let me call you father."

She doesn't forgive the duke, nor does she want to try build back their relationship that'd never existed in the first place. 'An unfeeling man, a simple gaze, nothing more, nothing less. That's the kind of relationship Olivia wants us to have.'

So...... FL had a chat with the duke abt everything officially in Ch 161, titled "Do your best and regret it" And I see how the title came to play in everything. There's a lingering sense of unfulfillment and regret---though maybe that's the duke's feelings transporting to me from his pov.

(ive been wishing for his death for hours straight. I swear he was so delusional n self-hating in his sorry ass pov it was making me mad)

From my understanding, in this ch 161, the duke said that he wished he could do something for her, she bluntly told him to regret treating her so bad, regret as much as she had loved the Madeleine dukedom. [And I note, it said, 'Even if fourteen years passed, it was clear that the Duke of Madeleine would never regret not loving me as much as I loved the dukedom.' </3] And then, she says that after he's regretted, to "take your time getting over us." and to not have any memories of any sadness or regret caused by FL to the duke.

Of course, by my personal unstable standards, I'm a little bit annoyed, a little bit confused, and satisfied with this ending.

A LITTLE BIT POV (Ch 160-161) :

The duke's silver hair gleamed in the moonlight. The emblem of the Ducal House of Madeleine, once Olivia's greatest pride. Under this commonality, she believed the Madeleines were united.

But she knew it wasn't true.

Olivia and the duke were a family like a chamberlain and his son.
They were like the Empress and the Crown Princess.

And 'united' meant something like Edwin's relationship with his father. A solid, unbreakable bond, which is something Olivia and the Duke of Madelaine could never have.

Knock- Only at the sound of the knock did Olivia tear her gaze from the duke's silver hair and answer.

Lord Huxley entered, his face tense. Steam was rising from the tray he held.

Olivia watched as Lord Huxley set down his teacup and poured tea from a teapot.

The scour of the tea was dark brown. Olivia felt like laughing. Lord Huxley must have noticed the slight upturn of her lips, because he spoke softly.

"No matter where I look, I can't find the tea you gave me......."

"You'll never find it in your lifetime."

Even if you gave me a billion dollars, I would never personally brew tea for the Duke anymore.

She smiled and replied, and her eyes locked with the Duke's. His amethyst eyes widened as if he realised something. Unlike Lord Huxley, who looked puzzled, the Duke seemed to get it.

Even if decades had passed. I would never revisit Madeleine.

POV: Duke after she left ig???

...... Even that tea. It was out of my hands.

Tightly pressed lips leaked pain he thought he'd never know. His irregularly beating heart thudded in his ears. No, that wasn't a heartbeat. It was the sound of distant footsteps.

Footsteps that had never moved him.
The one's of who had never once touched his heart.

Who didn't even hate him anymore.......I wonder if I can define that child as Chama Moore. (i have no f*cking idea what that is. but im pretty sure its like, wanting to do smth but you cant, so im assuming its him wanting to rebuild his relationship with fl, , , but he can't??? lol suck it up)

Across the distant horizon, he recall the countless moments he missed.

The child who always kept her head down like a shadow, smiling at him, growing older and older, the calluses growing over her transparently emotional eyes.

His limp body fell helplessly to the floor.

And then, at one point, his stiff knees, which he hadn't even knelt before the Emperor, touched the floor.

His broken body began to tremble soundlessly. He had lost his first daughter, the one he would never have, forever.

suck it up tbh.