Do not end up together, with the FL faking her death and 'dying' in a similar manner to the MLs own mother.

This was a person who was deeply traumatized by his past. He went from being the most spoiled little prince to being completely ignored and even hated by his father. His mother actually treated him very poorly due to her delusional beliefs that doing so would make him stronger and a better emperor, etc. That plus the way she died, hissing "This is what happens to the weak!" at him while gripping tightly onto his arm... Can you imagine being held onto by your dead mother like that? How much did those words sink in, how long did that haunt him? The answer is "his whole life". He learned at the age of 5 that people's feelings and promises aren't worth anything and that he'd die in the worst way if he was "weak" so he no longer was weak.

There's this part later in the novel where it talks about how he became a different person, strong and cunning... but a part of him was always still that small child who wanted to be loved and wanted to be approved of, and it was that small child version of him who longed for Zuo Canglang's gentleness. "This type of Murong Yan that was like he was begging to be loved was seemingly a laughingstock, but at the same time was pitiful.... He hated that child that was crying, hiding in the dark corners. He hated that weak and bright infant. He thought that that child already died, rotting in Zhangwen Hall's tr*sh heaps, in some unknown corner. But he didn't know when it had started, that every time he looked at her, held her, that child would appear again." Murong Yan couldn't stand that, and I think that's part of why he treated her so badly.

There's another part later where one of his minor consorts muses that he could spoil and pamper those he didn't love with riches and gentleness because he didn't care about either of those things. He only seemed to treat them well on the surface, but that was just a testament to how much he didn't care about them. But to the person he truly loved, he could give them nothing.

He truly gave Zuo Canglang nothing. He only took from her over and over again. At the beginning, he wanted to portray himself as this loving emperor, so he pushed her into hell over and over to flaunt to the public his relationship with Jiang Bilan. Then Jiang Bilan crossed a line with him and he broke that illusion. The scene where he beats the crap out of Jiang Bilan, saying that if it wasn't for how he needed her show of affection, why would he have bothered leaving her alive???? As a reader you wonder as you read if he ever really loved Jiang Bilan and that scene just confirms it all in the most heartwrenching way. It actually makes you feel so bad for Jiang Bilan in that moment. There's no truly evil characters in this novel. All of them are just trying to survive and be loved.

Murong Yan slowly killed off all the people Zuo Canglang cared about until nothing was left but him and her, but her heart was completely dead. And the thing was that he knew it. He says so many times that he doesn't even care anymore if her gentleness is real or fake, he just wants her by his side. In the last 50 or so chapters, he basically lets her get away with everything. She breaks people out of prison, she does all this conspiring, and he knows all of it and just lets it go. He wants so desperately to make up for all the crappy things he knows he did to her: getting her almost killed on multiple occasions, forcing her to have an abortion while faking a temper tantrum about the identity of the father of the baby deSPITE KNOWING FULL WELL IT WAS HIS BABY (THE BABY WAS IN ITS 6TH MONTH!!!!!! THIS PART ALMOST MADE ME STOP READING, I WAS SO UPSET), plotting and succeeding to kill off all of her closest friends and loved ones... The only thing Murong Yan ever really "gave" her was the position of general and the glory that came with that position. But she never wanted any of those things and her being general was just convenient for him.

There's this part after he basically forces Yang Lianting to die where he thinks "This has also become, between him and her, a wound where it was impossible to staunch the hemorrhaging." As he does all these horrible things, Murong Yan knows that it will only further drive this wedge between them. But he feels that he has to. Part of it is because, as emperor, he cannot stand anyone who is noble and so disloyal to him (even if it's just in his head). Part of it is also because he truly wants to completely clip Zuo Canglang's wings. If she has no one else to rely on, no one else she cares about left alive, then no matter what her feelings towards him are, he is all she has left.

At the very end, he achieves that and it's just so sad. It's depressing to see Zuo Canglang watch his actions later in the novel and think "Wow if this had happened a year or two ago, I would've been able to justify it. I would've truly thought that he worried about me, but now I can see all the lies" (her thoughts were more poetic than this lol that is just a summary). Then in the next few paragraphs, you read about Murong Yan thinking "in the past when I said these things, she believed it, but now I can see that she just doesn't believe in anything I say at all anymore".

His previous lies are no longer lies, but she's no longer willing to believe!! She took 99 steps towards him out of her deep love for him, but he rejected her at every step, so she turned away. So even though Murong Yan takes 1, 000 steps towards her after, Zuo Canglang only slips further and further away.

It's just a lot of torture. Yet it's very satisfying. Even though my heart ached, I did not once wish for her to turn back towards him. Their relationship is beautifully ugly. Zuo Canglang loves him so deeply from the very beginning, and he very quickly falls in love with her, too, but doesn't recognize it. He just uses her feelings for him again and again, torturing her mind and body (or tacitly allowing others to) in the worst ways. Once he is all alone at the top and realizes how much he wants her love and gentleness towards him, it's already too late. Her heart has turned to ashes and she actively plots against him.

There's a scene towards the end where Murong Yan goes up to the top of a building with his third son, Murong Xuan who has been raised by Zuo Canglang. They talk some double-meaning stuff about how it's nice at the top (ie: being emperor) but then Murong Xuan says "Unfortunately Ah Zuo isn't here." and Murong Yan agrees that that's unfortunate before thinking "Not knowing why, a sliver of pain just slowly spread in his heart. Ruling the world, everything had to submit to his will, but unfortunately she wasn't here." That really just about sums up their relationship.

I don't excuse what she did. She was abhorrent in her decision. Killing your own child is a spine chilling action. It is something only Murong Yan should be allowed to do. At least in his own actions. He arranged for ZCL's miscarriage. That was fine. But how dare someone else do that? I know there is no comparing a fetus with a baby but I don't think it would have stopped ML if FL managed to give birth to a son and not lost her daughter. Yes, those were different times but it doesn't change the fact that the ML was a.....

that eventually, in their older years or even before that they would manage to truly understand each other when it came to the other person AND themselves.

They knew each other like the back of their hands and were so close, yet so far. ML, I am sure, loved MC but never owned up to it while MC never wanted to see ML for what he was and went ahead blindly rushing into obsession. Although ML has chosen power over love, didn't MC love the idea of him more than the man himself? She chose a dream before reality in my opinion. They never truly connected and never could as they both were untrue to themselves and disillusioned about the other.

I was sad that neither got closure. ML dies alone and lonely and MC exiles herself having lost almost everything and leaving the rest behind. What kind of life can she hope to achieve? I wanted to have the ML acknowledge his wrongs to her. Her, to see the humanity he rarely exposed. I wanted to hurl when he didn't even let their child off. And with her friends' deaths, there was no going back *sigh

However, I am certain he ached over most of the things he did to her despite still going through with them. And he did create an entire personality just for her. I find it romantic for him. He faked it for her more than for his childhood friend and that means a lot.

And in the end, MC didn't give him her everything as she promised, and even became as guarded of him that he was of her. Reasonably, but to me they both fail each other.

Why did I wish for a somewhat happy ending despite the tags and red flags. I cherished their moments together though and the glimpses of true love that couldn't be contained.

This story is bittersweet but also very romantic. My opinion.

which is sad! This novel will really resonate with people who prefer very complex storylines with realistic people with dark sides, even to the point that you can say the ML is basically a villain. But if you think about it his childhood forced him to be such and he couldn't understand where and when he started going wrong for the one person he cared. The FL had her own journey from an orphan who was nothing to someone who determined the dynasty's future course.

The story is intense. It's one of the few that I just can't bring myself to finish, and actually had to skip to the end to see if I was going to make it. I don't think I can, since my poor tender heart is already broken at the midpoint and it doesn't look like it will mend (story wise).