i loved how the ML tells the MC when they were young that when he grows up he will become the governor and save him (well that actually became true)

around ch90ish

the story starts in their junior years. MC is a good for nothing ruffian born from a group of assassins sent to infiltrate ml's home for a kill. ML is the discarded bastard son of his family. ML was supposed to be killed alongside his whole family, but the two of them grew close over time and so MC helped ML escape. fast forward a couple years, ML becomes a palace eunuch in order to climb the ranks. MC meets ML once again and their friendship grows deeper, but unfortunately that reunion is shortlived.

mc's mother is killed in a botched assignment, which fuels MC to seek revenge. through the course of seven years, he becomes a master at puppeteering and trains under his big brother to master the saber. its only later that he realizes his mother's death was premeditated, and so he kills his father, the leader, who ultimately was responsible for her death. he escapes from the assassins group and disappears off the face of the planet.

fast forward three years, we learn that MC altered his face and lives as a homeless vagabond. MC meets ML by chance under this new identity, and decides to stay and work under him as ML consolidates power, becoming the most powerful person of the country. ML later learns of mc's identity, they reconcile, and confess their mutual feelings. they discover that mc's father was merely a figurehead, and there exists the true leader hiding from plain sight, whom had begun disseminating a popular drug into the masses to wreck havoc. MC and ML join forces to kill the leader, dismantling the assassins group altogether. in the end, MC retires from being an assassin, ML leaves his government post, and they choose to travel the world.

whats there to love? for starters, the characters. xiahou lian is my perfect wuxia protagonist. hes flawed, he is self deprecating, and believes that he is not worthy of living for all the sins he has committed. his philosophy is to give shen jue his life, protect him at all cost for as long as possible, because he believes that between the two of them, only shen jue is redeemable.

shen jue is a man known for his coldness, his schemes, and his relentless grab for power. yet in front of his beloved he shows his yearning, his devotedness, his possessiveness, and his self sacrifice. there is really no other way to describe his actions except 'everything is because of xiahou lian, everything is for xiahou lian'. he went through countless trials and tribulations to become someone capable of controlling his own fate and protect the ones he loves.

and their dynamic? xiahou lian is riddled with guilt, burdened with sins, and struggles to see why shen jue still treasures him so. having an assassin's upbringing, he thinks he is destined to die. except shen jue doesnt think so; he fought so hard to find him, and fought even harder to keep him by his side, yet hes always on the brink of losing him ("I always feel that when we're together, we seem to be about to separate at every moment, never staying for long"). it took a lot for xiahou lian to forgive himself, to realize he has to keep on living for shen jue, that only by being together can they be whole. they may be flawed, they may continue to struggle, but at least they'll have each other to rely on, to warm each other on the coldest of nights, to comfort each other during the hardest of times, and a lifetime with each other to heal.

both went through so much loss in their childhood that it was enough to instill a lifelong of hate, enough to push them onto a road of unrelentlessly bloodshed, to topple on countless innocents and guilty for their own gain. and yet, at the pinnacle of their achievements, they realize that the top is lonely. they had become antiheros, and the further they go, the deeper they fall into a cycle of continuous torment and sin. eventually, shen jue chose to use his power for good and accept retribution for his wrongdoings, before finally stepping down altogether. as for xiahou lian, he achieved his own goals, dismantled the very organization that screwed him over, and came out alive all the same. in the end, they leave everything behind them, and so begins a new chapter of their life.

and shoutout to my fav side character: xiahou pei. this novel features the most beautifully written mother-son relationship. she may not be the best conventional mother, and there may be moments where xiahou lian felt distanced from her, but the love was still so palpable. I especially liked her little acts of defiance; such as when she forged household registrations for both her sons should they one day be free from garan, and where she disfigures herself before dying so xiahou lian wouldnt grieve for her passing. she may be bound by duty as a garan member, but as a mother, she still wants the best for her children. its so rare for a wuxia danmei to feature such a prominent mother figure - one who maintains her relevance from start to finish, no less - and I appreciate how the author made her shine in the story.

as for the writing? its addicting, impactful, full of imagery, and full of life. everything is written for the purpose of building its characters and moving the plot. all her goodbyes, partings, and deaths evoke strong emotions. even her antagonists are treated with care, their motivations, life and death, and reasons for choosing their paths, can be empathized. her fight scenes are dynamic, fluid, exciting, and inspires your imagination. they dont lose to visual media at all - which I think is a testament of her writing ability.

as for the plot? its one of my favourite parts of the novel. it is very ambitious, and there's a lot of back and forth between the court and the jianghu. both settings blend so seamlessly together without overstretching the worldbuilding. the garan intrigue is well written, and I like how the multiple layers of this orgnization were carefully presented for maximum suspense.

theres a fair bit of plot armour, especially for xiahou lian, because there's multiple instances of where he should've died but lived due to *waves hands* circumstances. but that said, it's not overdone, and he doesnt walk away without losses. each time he falls, he is closer to hitting rock bottom, and the narration does a great job at conveying his sense of frustration and hopelessness.

1. the scene where xiahou pei died and used her dying breath to call out to her son was the scene that made me realize this novel does not hold back its punches. xiahou lian coming to the realization that his mother lost, died, and her corpse humiliated and desecrated in public while he couldnt do anything. the fact that his own group members forced him watch it unfold and sear that terrible image into his mind forever? the shock, hatred, and self-blame was so visceral and so painful to read. I especially liked his final goodbye to his mother, as well as a promise that will change his life: "Unfilial son Xiahou Lian, saying goodbye to my mother here! I cannot live under the same sky as the enemy who killed my mother. From now on, Xiahou Lian and Jingdao Mountain Village, and Liu Guizang, will not stop until death!"

2. the scene where shen jue found out xiahou lian's identity and the utter devastation that hit him once he realized he had hurt the one person he had sworn to protect in this life. "It was a prayer, and it was also repentance" as he kneels in front of xiahou lian's unconscious body to seek forgiveness holds so many untold emotions. it was so beautiful, and so bittersweet.

3. "Benevolence and righteousness cannot save me, loyalty and filial piety cannot protect me. Only by having a saber in my hand and having great power in my grasp can I take revenge, can I take hold of my own fate!" this sentence embodies shen jue's actions to a T. he is able to recognize that this power hurts him, and will continue to hurt him for the rest of his life should he hold onto it, but so long as it keeps xiahou lian safe, he is willing to endure it.

4. the scene where shen jue climbed and kowtowed to the buddha temple without a care for his reputation and image. in those ten years he had prayed to the buddhas ceaselessly, and perhaps it was those prayers that allowed xiahou lian to return to his side. and so when xiahou lian was on the brink of death once again, it was sheer desparation to look to the divine when all hope seemed lost. "Buddha, I beg you, the sins are mine, the retribution is mine. Punish me, do not punish him."

5. "Impose the retribution from the heavens upon me. My young master, my Shen Jue, my Xie Jinglan, must be well."

6. "Second to one person and above thousands of people" this was shown twice in the novel in two complelely different context. once when xie jinglan vowed to topple wei de; and once after shen jue had toppled wei de. he fulfilled his wish and became the one that he hated the most. instead of gratification, this quote comes with a sense of foreboding. shen jue's future isnt glorious at all; because should he fall from grace, he will fall hard.

7. shen jue going back to his original name, xie jinglan, in the final chapter. he had forsaken this name long ago, and so its pretty significant when he returned to this name once he chose to repent. I also appreciate how xie jinglan remained very personal for him, as when mister dai addressed him this way, it made him ashamed to face his former teacher with the person he is now. I always hoped that shen jue would revert back to his old name, and im glad that it came true.

8. the scene where shen jue erected an altar for xiahou pei, with her ashes and her sword hengbo. its significance lays in that xiahou lian's last memories of his mother was of her corpse desecrated in public and chewed by dogs. but with her ashes recovered he can now be at peace knowing that she has a dignified final resting place. and so it was especially painful when he was forced to destroy her ashes and her sword in order to rescue shen jue. as well as the extreme grief he felt when he saw his mother in a bliss fruit-induced hallucination, and had to come to terms with what he had done.

9. "Young Master, I have sent many people away in this lifetime, some complete strangers and some with deep ties, ones I loved and ones who loved me, one by one, I saw them leave in the distance. Now, it's finally my turn."

10. "I always feel that when we're together, we seem to be about to separate at every moment, never staying for long...I have schemed to deceive you and conceal things from you, I have caught assassins to be test subjects and mixed formulas, I have sought doctors, asking for medicine and practicing Qigong, and I have also prayed to Buddha and asked the gods. I have done everything. But... in the end, I couldn't make you stay." shen jue's anguish and helplessness when he finally understood what kept his beloved away was not the heavens nor garan nor the illness, but xiahou lian's own decision. and so he could only relent.

11. that classic garan catchphrase. I get chills everytime I see it.

gets his cherry popped lol I love the reversal of expectations there

The MC/Shou is from an assassin village called Garan. At the beginning of the story, he entered the ML/Gong's house as a servant.

But he really doesn't act like a servant lol. He bickers with the ML and all.

So bit of a background, MC thinks that he's in ML's house for an assassination mission. But really, I just think that his mom and his uncle is busy with a mission so they kinda just stuffed him there so that he wouldn't cause any trouble cause there's no one that would look after him lol

Meanwhile, ML is an unfavored son. He gets bullied by his brother and the people in the Xie family doesn't really care about him except for his maids.

The ML really likes studying (although he isn't allowed to study and his brother even catches him reading old books and his brother tore those books, notes and even made him chew or eat some paper). When MC arrives in ML's house, he sees this and he also sees ML's insistence on trying to glue those broken books.

Soooo MC tells ML that they can just steal books from the library and so on. ML doesn't want to at first but MC kinda taunts him and he eventually agrees.

It was kinda sweet too when MC used the money he had on him to buy papers and brushes for ML (MC only have broken brushes and toilet paper to write on).

But ML doesn't use those because he thought that MC stole those things (because MC is just a servant and he shouldn't be able to buy those things) so he just kept all those under his cabinet.

And then the story goes on

Then, MC overhears from someone that a known scholar is coming to the Xie home and this scholar will accept a disciple. He encourages ML to try to be that person's disciple.

Unfortunately, on the day of the event, the madam asks for ML's courtyard to be locked! But, ML and MC thought to climbed the window and even get on a boat to go to the place where the scholar is.

Eventually, ML becomes that scholar's disciple and the story goes on

(There's still some minor stuff happening like ML still getting bullied and MC helping him, them suffering together etc. But I'll skip those and just focus on the main points or what I can remember)

Some points worth noting are:

• • MC is from an assassin village but most of his elders think that he isn't suitable for being an assassin because he is a good person and he doesn't have killing intent

• • They are kinda 12-13 years old in this arc

• • MC would tell ML stories about him, the village and his mother (who is the strongest assassin). Although, the MC will say that they are a family of thieves instead of assassins.

• • Eventually, ML finds out that the MC is from a family of assassin because of his master (the scholar). Turns out that years ago, the scholar was supposed to be killed by MC's mother but she doesn't kill him in exchange for a favor. And that favor is that he chooses a good name for MC (the MC's mother is illiterate I think so she wanted the scholar to think of a good name)

• • MC went to Xie family knowing that there will be an assassination plan but he doesn't know who will be assassinated. He thinks it's ML's father and he kinda hints that to ML. ML says that he doesn't care since his father is a scum anyway

• • BTW when the ML saw his father during the time that the scholar was choosing a disciple, the father actually asked ML who's side family he is from or who his parents are
    he totally forgot about him having ML

Then, the time came that MC's uncle fetch him. So ML and MC says goodbye to each other.

MC overhears that there has been a change in the assassination plan. Instead of just the ML's father being assassinated, the one who commissioned the Garan Village assassins (Wei de) now wants the whole Xie family exterminated.

That's because the ML's father supported the impeachment of Wei de actually made the whole family (except ML's courtyard) memorize the impeachment document I think. So Wei de is very angry and wants the whole family exterminated.

Btw, Wei is kinda a powerful figure. He's a eunuch and he holds a lot of power because he has a good relationship with the emperor from when they were still young I think.

Okay so

MC heard that and he convinces his uncle to bring him to the Xie family during the assassination time (he convinces him saying that when he sees the assassination, he will really get a feel of what's it like to be an assassin and make a decision whether he wants to be an assassin or not)

Some notes about MC and his village:

• • MC's elders doesn't really want him to be an assassin. But, for people of Garan Village, they only have two choices: to be an assassin or to work on Garan Village. But those who chose not to be an assassin, can never leave the village anymore.

• • Garan Village is headed by an Abbot (he turns out to be MC's father but the abbot and his mother doesn't seem to be in a relationship. I'm not sure yet what happened between them though cause I'm not there yet in the story.

• • The people of Garan Village (especially the assassins) really have no choice but to obey the Abbot because they have the 'Mid July' poison their bodies and it's only the Abbot that has the medicine.

Okay, back to the story.

The assassins and MC goes to the Xie family. MC finds ML and kinda forces him to wear his clothes ('forces' because ML is so confusing and there is also the part where ML wants to save his maid, the elderly maid that brought him up but MC says that he can only save ML.

MC tells ML to walk straight ahead and out of the Xie house. If someone talks to him, don't answer and just go.

ML is almost caught but one of MC's good elders (Qiu Ye?) pretend that its MC and just says to the other assassin that maybe 'MC' is just scared that's why he isn't talking and that's why he's going out of that place even though the assassination isn't finished yet.

Unfortunately, the MC is caught. One of the assassins figured out that MC gave his clothes to someone so that person can escape.

The other assassins actually wanted to kill MC right then but some of the good elders (Uncle Duan and Qiu Ye) stopped them.

But ultimately, what made those other assassins stop is MC's mom (who just returned from a mission, she was even still holding a head or something). MC's mom told him that how knows what he had done and that he has two choices: to go back to the village and be punished orrr MC's mom will kill all the assassins present at that time and their mom-son duo would run away lol

Hahaha MC's mom is so cool!

Anyway, the other assassins get scared. MC chose to return to the village where he is punished 80 flogs (although he only lasted until the 30th and his mom took the other 50 flogs for him)

Next, we see that ML successfully run away from the Xie house but he doesn't have anywhere to go. He doesn't have friends and he cannot go to his shifu because his shifu will be implicated.

MC actually gave the ML two gold earrings before they parted so that ML can pawn it off but ML got scammed at the pawn shop.

ML had nowhere to go, none to eat and he was really miserable at this point. He resorted to stealing sometimes because of his hunger and often, he'll get beaten up.

Then, the ML remembered that MC ones told him way back that if he goes to the highest point of the city and places a coin there, MC will appear before ML.

However, its not MC that appears but another assassin (Qiu Ye) who actually noticed ML escaping the Xie mansion before but he just let him go. Qiu Ye tells ML that MC was punished and he doesn't even know if he's still alive.

He also tells ML to stop trying to contact MC this way because other assassins from Garan Village might see him instead and kill him (because he's still part of the Xie family) and Qiu Ye tells ML to go to the capital because he is less likely to starve there because there are nobles there who have feeding programs.

So ML goes to the capital. Unfortunately, he trusted an old beggar that gave him food. This beggar sold him to the palace so he became a eunuch.

Two or three years have passed and the ML/MC are now 14 years olds.

ML is now a eunuch of the cold palace. He kinda have some powers but only little.

There's also this other eunuch who fancies ML and wants to have s*x with ML. ML is disgusted with this eunuch.

This eunuch even peeps at ML while ML was changing and this eunuch actually discovers that ML didn't have his d*ck cut off like them (I think, it was implied but nit really stated).

So this eunuch blackmails the ML to being with him but of course the ML doesn't want that. ML ends up killing the eunuch.

While ML was disposing of the body in the well, he noticed a black clothed person 'sleeping' near. ML was going to disposed of this person too when the black clothed person opened his eyes and called out "young master!"

It turns out to be the MC. However, the MC is currently on a mission and he got wounded severely on his shoulder.

The ML helps the MC and MC hid in the dead eunuch's place. MC actually learned to change his face and he changes his face to that of the dead eunuch and pretends to be him.

ML requested to MC that MC stays with ML from now on in the palace. MC agreed.

So the story goes on

ML gets chosen to be a eunuch serving during the Emperor's hunting event. He serves Wei de by guiding Wei de's horse (the head eunuch who ML really hates because Wei had the Xie family exterminated. The horse suddenly topples over and ML caught Wei. Then, another horse was running and going to crush Wei and Wei suddenly made ML his shield.

Fortunately, a soldier hits the horse with an arrow. However, this caused the horse to topple and the crown prince gets thrown off (and becomes crippled). This caused the soldier to be sent out of the capital.

Then

ML finds that the MC is sick. Turns out it's the MC's poison acting out.

ML hurries to find MC's mother (who he once saw in the palace but he didn't tell MC because he wanted MC to stay and not leave him). Turns out that MC's mom is actually pretending to be one of the consorts in the cold palace.

She gave MC the medicine but will also take MC away and go back to the mountain because they can't escape the village because of the poison.

Before leaving, ML and the mother had a talk. ML made a bet to MC's mother that within 10 years, ML will find a way to find the cure to the poison and free MC from the village

Then the story goes on

Oops ran out of time

Remembering and typing all those above took me about an hour already lol gotta get back to what I'm doing

Will write the next spoilers when I have time :)

To continue reading? No. A great story but a bit too much plot heavy for my liking. Plus at chap 100 they're still not together