I Should Have Just Died


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There was a woman. Born as an illegitimate child and raised under the strict control of the queen, her world was as small as a well.

There was a man. He was forced to marry a woman who was his brother’s political marriage partner. His world, which was infinitely wide, became smaller.

The woman’s original sin, and the man’s resentment. “I should have just died instead…”

Associated Names
One entry per line
차라리 죽을 걸 그랬어
Related Series
There Were Times When I Wished You Were Dead (2)
Forgotten Juliet (2)
I’m a Villainess, Can I Die? (1)
Side Story (1)
Marriage and Sword (1)
1st Kiss Was Intentional (1)
Recommendation Lists
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  3. My Favorite Korean Romance Novels
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  5. Romance fantasy

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Date Group Release
03/13/23 Sleepy Translations c231
03/06/23 Sleepy Translations c229
03/03/23 Sleepy Translations c228
02/28/23 Sleepy Translations c227
02/24/23 Sleepy Translations c226
02/20/23 Sleepy Translations c225
02/17/23 Sleepy Translations c224
02/13/23 Sleepy Translations c223
02/12/23 Sleepy Translations c222
02/07/23 Sleepy Translations c221
02/03/23 Sleepy Translations c220
01/30/23 Sleepy Translations c219
01/27/23 Sleepy Translations c218
01/23/23 Sleepy Translations c217
01/20/23 Sleepy Translations c216
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24 Reviews sorted by

July 24, 2021
Status: c25
I dropped this novel because of the slow pacing and lack of chapters but I picked it up again.

Honestly I really hate how some of the reviews downplay the Mc’s suffering.

She’s clearly suffering from depression and is mentally unstable. If you actually payed attention to her backstory or heck the novel you should be able to put the pieces together.

... more>> Just because she isn’t hurt physically doesn’t mean, she can’t be hurt mentally.

Looking at how she was raised and how she’s being treated by her family it doesn’t take a genius to realise that she’s being mentally ab*sed.

Isolation is a humans biggest foe, and MC was raised isolated with no one to depend on.

Put yourselves in her shoes and see how it feels like, trust me it’s an shitty experience. <<less
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Audmod rated it
December 8, 2020
Status: c70
I really like the story so far. It's slow paced but you don't feel like it's being dragged on. The POV switches between Alyssa & Sedrick which I love (in a lot of novels you don't get the ML side). Im excited to see their relationship develop.

Keep in mind that the ab*se Alyssa has gone through her whole life has been emotional & verbal ab*se. She was occasionally physically ab*sed but her struggles are mostly mental and it's worsened when she is ignored and criticized by Sedricks family and staff.... more>> They direct their hate for the Avery family on Alyssa, imagine how that feels for her. *Im pretty sure the tragedy tag is there because the story revolves around the death of Sedricks brother and the sad life Alyssa has been living* <<less
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shadow1716 rated it
July 3, 2021
Status: --
The ML and his family deserve to die for the way they treated the MC. No amount of plot amour can change that.
24 Likes · Like Permalink | Report
naididja rated it
April 11, 2021
Status: c36
I love this.

Some reviews say that nothing happens and she is basically sad for no reason and it's not as bad as the author wants you to feel... But I very much disagree, the girl was raised under the surveillance of the Queen that hates her, basically has absolutely not control over her life in ANY was possible, then she got engaged had the hope of finding happiness in her new family that maybe she can live for once, but then her husband to be was killed by her own... more>> family, then she marries his brother that him and his family hate her guts, even if they didn't torment her (whitch the sister did) it's still a pretty shitty situation spacialy when the MC is clearly mentally unstable, even if it's all in her head it's still valid we are after all in our heads and sometimes our heads mess things up, plus I love how the MC is constantly trying to make the situation better even if she doesn't know how if it was me I would probably not be able to do that. It's easy to think of the right thing to say or do but doing it is very hard apologising to someone can be very hard because then you have to admit you wronged the person even if it was a friend let alone someone you labeled an enemy, I very much prefer this novel to novels who their characters don't get affected at all by their situation, MCs that are way to optimistic about an unknown futur as if they know they have plot armor. I love every single character in this novel maybe except the royal family <<less
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HentMas rated it
April 8, 2021
Status: c35
I can't get behind this novel...

It's got glaring problems, mainly "show, don't tell" we are expected to relate to "someone" inside of the novel but I can't see my self on anyone, we are told the MC is suffering but... she's not... we are told they treat her coldly... but she's mostly left alone, we are told a million different things to "pitty" the MC, but hell, things could be thousand times worse, she's so "alone" but she really isn't... she's suffering for things that... quite simply, are not really... more>> an issue, we are TOLD that we should feel THIS WAY because things are so BAD... but if you genuinely are reading the novel... nothing really is as "bad" as the author wants to make you feel.

If you look at the monologues and train of thought of each POV, you're expected to take it at face value, without thinking for a bit about what is REALLY happening in the novel, you get dragged along thoughts of self pitty and guilt... but when you "see" what is happening... nothing... absolutely nothing is happening, it's all in the head of the characters, it's all about "feeling" this way or "thinking" that way, not about what someone has done to anyone else...

And when finally something happens, it's... forced, to make the characters redeem themselves, to seek forgiveness, except instead of that, the author once again comes in and pencils in dumb thoughts of "I want to apologize but I can't"... why? well, that's up to you to decide! every single thought is brought forth in a way that YOU the READER must find your own justification, because we are left with nothing, just unfinished sentences that don't convey what the character is REALLY thinking or feeling.

And this happens with EVERYONE in the novel, I don't know if the author is a genius or just lazy, because having the reader find its own justification for the actions of the character seems like a good way of making every character relatable... but that also means that everyone is a wet-toilet-paper with no personality that the reader needs to fill in the blanks to make them as whatever they imagine.

"I'm so alone" except she isn't "I am suffering" except nothing is happening "I feel so sad" for something you didn't even do!?!?!?!?

Maybe I'm just too shameless and pride less to get behind any of this characters... <<less
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May 1, 2022
Status: reading
This novel is beautiful and tragic.

There is something I want to say.

I don't like the male lead.

His close family is slightly better, in terms of the treatment to Alyssa. Of course, they're definitely not perfect; ... more>>

they blame her for Kendrick's tragedy, overwhelmed by Norfe's (the imperial half brother who has sweet home alabama vibes...) harassment at his shabby grave.


Over time, they warm up to her and even defend her over time.

But there's one overall theme that everyone has: they all assume irresponsibly that 'with time', Alyssa will somehow magically get over all the emotional ab*se everyone's given her. This shows up in the male lead's thoughts all too often. One comment on a site I read observed that the author was just trying to redeem the male lead by all that bs about how he had no bad intentions. In fact, it's shown that he knows that time isn't enough to heal it, by he abides by his own selfishness and pushes the matter into the back of his mind. It's actually there in the book.

Later on in the story, at around ch 80-90, his thoughts show that he thinks she's alright after being confined and the royal family can't reach her so much. It's interesting that after seeing her deliberately throw herself into the lake, he still has the innate selfishness to dismiss it and think of it as a momentary impulse. Do you think that only you can make her feel better? Do you really understand her? A moron, he is. And particular emphasis on how

Alyssa reverts from her usual sunny smile to a dull, empty gaze that stares at the lake with obvious suicidal thoughts. She thinks she'll find peace from death and vanish from the world after she takes 'responsibility' for everything Avery has done. Alyssa's facial expression is a key part in this story. Earlier on in the story, with his s*upid disguise as 'Sid', a gardener, Seidrick ruminates on Alyssa's mental state and assumes she's alright on the premise that, 'If she can make such a pure smile, then maybe, just maybe she's fine.' And he's lying to himself. He knows it full well.


I find it genuinely horrifying how Alyssa's mental state goes unnoticed by even her closest maid Sasha, and how she seems alright on the surface while even the narrator purposefully downplays her depression. The subtle, occasional thoughts of su*cide which are gruesomely extreme are forgotten soon after, because she then immerses herself in other things, giving the impression of being happy. But even the good things in her life are regarded by her as charity by others, and that she doesn't deserve it. Hammered into this mentality, she believes that all the good she is doing is only something she should do. Multiple times in the story, her thoughts are often about how it was a sin for her to be born, hence the title,

'I should have just died.' Roll credits.


the male lead sucks. everyone thinks that time will heal. deep down, they're not really good people. (the family, not mona, gilbert and sasha.) depressing af. I cried a million tears and my heart broke into a thousand pieces. melodrama intended. overall, you can't not have feels about the fl. <<less
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Ahmya rated it
November 27, 2020
Status: --
The ML’s brother (who was engaged to the FL) dies. So ML was forced to marry his sister-in-law...

I really like it so far... but the tragedy tag is worrying me....
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bingereader2020 rated it
March 18, 2021
Status: c29
I really like how the pov switches and the sadness that is woven into the story. They know she's innocent but they can't help it and I find that really human. Although it is quite slow-paced, I think it's alright. You don't feel like it's being stretched out.

Does anyone know of other novels similar to this? (With the subtle sadness)
8 Likes · Like Permalink | Report
pleasepickthisup rated it
February 20, 2021
Status: c21
Honestly, I expected the ML to be tr*sh who blamed her. But he isn't. He's trying to be kind to her which makes me like him a lot compared to other MLs.

The novel is really well written, it's a sort of heavy one and I wouldn't be surprised if it turned really dark because of the tragedy tag.
6 Likes · Like Permalink | Report
Iuningning rated it
November 1, 2022
Status: Completed
It was such a promising plot but the story went down south. This was so promising in the first 100 chapters. Later chapters dragged on and on. Also, it became unnecessarily wordy and the ending (?) was so disappointing and seemed to cut off very briefly. So many plot holes that were left unsolved and FL and ML became very annoying that it made me not care about their romance. I literally did not care anymore if they end up together or not.
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Kheta rated it
January 22, 2022
Status: c111
Okay. This novel. Wonderful. Other reviewers aren’t wrong in saying it’s a slow novel, there’s very little actually happening in the novel in terms of plot. But character development? Brilliant, chefs kiss man. The world-building is kinda scattered, the goals of each characters are also a little flimsy but this novel doesn’t read like an adventure tale. This novel is enticing because of how human everyone is and how well the characters and their bonds come across. This novel is more emotionally driven, you don’t read it to know what... more>> happens next, you read it because it something inside you feels a little broken and these characters make you feel like you and your reactions aren’t totally off or weird

The MC is slowly crumbling the further you read the story, she’s woefully independent but so dang scared of the world around her and all the past ab*se she suffered from. She’s been isolated so much so that her perception of the world is very much me against the world, except, and some people might find this irritating, instead of fighting the world, MC gives up. She doesn’t care about anything that happens to herself, her own happiness is like consistently side-lined. She slowly mends her relationships with those around her, but can’t actually notice how impactful her actions are.

And a lot of the reviews I’ve seen are quite negative towards ML, because he is indirectly hurting MC more, causing misunderstandings and one-sidedly caring for her without revealing to her his intentions. As far as MC is concerned her husband either hates or is truly indifferent to her existence. Which might have been true at the beginning of the novel, but the changes he and his family undergo as the novel goes on is refreshing. And a lot of the problems people have with how ML and his family act, are kinda unjustified. Like yeah, could ML be doing more to support his wife and her mental health? 100%. But his inaction is actually really common for people unused to dealing with depression. And MC is definitely depressed. It’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s just he cares in a way that is both not enough to help someone who is drowning like MC is and is also in a way MC can’t understand. His help is what he thinks she needs, being someone unused to dealing with dark thoughts and healing from his own trauma. He’s not purposely abusing or neglecting MC, he’s trying to reconcile his hate for MC’s family, his own insecurities and the overwhelming affection he feels for someone who he believes is not meant for him. I understand that he’s not great in terms of ML’s, seemingly a coward and gloomy and whatever. And he definitely is neglecting his wife, I won’t deny that, I just think people hate him because they expect an ML to either be the Prince Charming or be Scum and he’s not quite either of those. He doesn’t just save her from every problem they face, though he does protect her and he doesn’t love her loudly and unabashedly. As far as I’m concerned ML is a good person, but MC needs more than he is providing. It’s not that he’s doing nothing, it’s that he’s not doing enough and it will very likely leave him feeling worse in the future.

Anyways. Rambling over. If you wanna read something sad without being faced with constant ab*se, r*pe and trauma used as character development, this is pretty good. It does have s*xual ab*se content, and implicit mentions of ab*se, but it’s not all the main character getting unfairly tortured by everyone. And it’s also not apologist with the people who do those things, which is pretty satisfying. Oh also, mentions of su*cide, depression and eating disorders pretty high, so like read at own risk concerning those things. <<less
5 Likes · Like Permalink | Report
August 7, 2021
Status: c79
Really engaging story but with a lot of heartache and pain. FL is goodhearted but beat down by her life of ab*se and ML is a bit of a prick but understandable given what happens to him. I like the slow pace of the growth of the characters and their relationship. Get ready to cry a lot if you read this.
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sitoxdevil rated it
September 16, 2022
Status: c179
MC is a saint and totally ab*sed victim, the amount of ab*se MC got from everyone was just... totally unreal. Like, everyone she met had ab*sed her mentally at least twice, excluding her loyal maid. MC is pictured as too kind for the world, she always do her best to help others even at the expense of herself. Like seriously, she had no fault except for the grudge she hold for h... more>>

er family and ML

, of which I totally understand why.

idk what box to put ML yet,

he hardly helped MC directly, he indirectly hurt MC for decisions he took, but I couldn't really saw him as manipulative bastard. Oh he's selfish alright, and a coward at that, but that's that.

He was just continuously made bad decisions and unconsciously added more pain for our poor MC. At least I don't hate him.

I enjoy reading this kind of tragedy (which hardly my preference) and slow paced plot, kudos to the author for this well-written novel, and translator for their hard work. <<less
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Misoshiru rated it
December 29, 2020
Status: c10
I'm really liking this novel a far.

I like the way its written, it's very pleasant. The author and the translator are doing a great job.

And although the still at it's very beginning I'm very intrigued as to where the story is going.
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makoni rated it
April 30, 2023
Status: --
I remember reading this few years back when it had few chapters. I was kinda looking for dark angsty romance then stumbled upon it again. My give it 5 stars cuz boy this novel may not be everyone's cup of tea. But sometimes you need a gloomy, heartwrenching story and this has all of it. I literally cried every two chapters. For the fl, ml, his family. You can't help but sympathise with them. You will feel everyone's being unfair to FL but they're not they're just hurting, grieving and... more>> it process they hurt the fl. It was really sad damn but I still loved it. Wish there were more romantic moments but the little we got was very heartfelt. The character growth it amazing. Anyway I really love it <<less
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Tzuyu4Eva rated it
March 19, 2023
Status: c144
The stars are only for the beginning. It started off so good, this woman is in utter despair and is continuously humiliated and scorned for things all outside of her control. And her extremely kind and empathetic nature means she doesn’t hold a grudge against most people who hate her because she’s technically a princess. The problem is the ML. He’s done some awful things thus far by letting others hurt her and lying to her, and I know she’s going to forgive him, but I don’t think he can... more>> do anything for me to feel he’s earned it. And she will forgive him because she’s a bit of a doormat due to both her trauma and her kind nature. At a lot of points in the story I honestly just wanted her to die since the entire story that’s the only goal she has that’s solely for herself, it’s hard to root for her to live when the ML is tr*sh and she only seems to respond positively to him. The following is what finally made me quit:


So the ML lies to her that he’s a gardener for 3 years, meanwhile she thinks she hasn’t seen her husbands face. He is basically forced to tell her because her maid finds out and he knows she will tell FL. She collapses and later he does and turns out he has cancer. She feels like she can’t be mad at him because he’s sick and dying, which is annoying but typical for her. What made me quit was her giving him a few months before she maybe leaves if she wants to. I was waiting for the 3 year time skip for her to leave, I was hoping she would find her own happiness after leaving. But alas. I’m betting the following bit will be some groveling from the ML while a revolution happens in the background. And she’ll stay with him even though he lied to her and his extended family have all humiliated her the second they see her, they’ll apologize but I don’t see how any apology could make up for what she went through. Plus the whole depression cured by love thing is kind of off putting.

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November27 rated it
March 15, 2021
Status: c28
I really love these kinds of novels (hidden gems) well while lots of novels show fluffy stuff, I really like how few novels like this shows this angst side (I mean not ur whole life can be honey dripping) the translation is amazing and the description on MC ‘s feeling is like wow 😯. Looking forward to see how this end... more>>
well I read somewhere Sid never show up as her husband for 3 years 😭and our MC have thought on dying (not sure, take it as a grain of salt) <<less
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syoyru rated it
July 2, 2023
Status: Completed
I like that both leads are smart. The FL's trauma was deeply rooted. I understood why even though she received love with the MLs side, she still want to die. I just hope that ML did not become too soft at the end lol.
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AkaMitsuki rated it
April 19, 2023
Status: c149
I will stop for now and will pick it up again someday...

I just feel the story lack of tragedy punch, it's hard for me to relate with characters. I do understand that isolation is like being in a dark room with no way out. But the self pity thoughts of ML and FL kinda gets repetitive. This doesn't mean that I don't feel sorry for FL. I do. Just that I think the wording could be better so reader could immerse themselves into the story.

Anyways, the first hundred chapters are... more>> intriguing. Even though FL is having problem with her mental self & environment, but she is capable, independent, and able to stand out for herself. She just need a shoulder to lean on and support her, which is something she hardly can have. I hope it will be a happy ending for her at the end :) <<less
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March 14, 2023
Status: --
Sooo, for those who started reading or finished this novel..... how is the translation?

Between "my inner grammar nazi would want to kill somebody after every chapter" bad & "kiss the translator all over" good, what would you pick?

thank you in advance :)
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