I Should Have Just Died


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There was a woman. Born as an illegitimate child and raised under the strict control of the queen, her world was as small as a well.

There was a man. He was forced to marry a woman who was his brother’s political marriage partner. His world, which was infinitely wide, became smaller.

The woman’s original sin, and the man’s resentment. “I should have just died instead…”

Associated Names
One entry per line
차라리 죽을 걸 그랬어
Related Series
There Were Times When I Wished You Were Dead (2)
Forgotten Juliet (2)
I’m a Villainess, Can I Die? (1)
Side Story (1)
Marriage and Sword (1)
1st Kiss Was Intentional (1)
Recommendation Lists
  1. takotsubo cardiomyopathy
  2. I don't want his love, I want his regret
  3. why are we here? just to suffer?
  4. Not complete
  5. KR RoFan [Non-Transmigration]

Latest Release

Date Group Release
08/16/22 Sleepy Translations c171
08/12/22 Sleepy Translations c170
08/08/22 Sleepy Translations c169
08/06/22 Sleepy Translations c168
08/02/22 Sleepy Translations c167
07/30/22 Sleepy Translations c166
07/25/22 Sleepy Translations c165
07/22/22 Sleepy Translations c164
07/18/22 Sleepy Translations c163
07/16/22 Sleepy Translations c162
07/14/22 Sleepy Translations c161
07/08/22 Sleepy Translations c160
07/04/22 Sleepy Translations c159
07/02/22 Sleepy Translations c158
06/27/22 Sleepy Translations c157
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17 Reviews sorted by

July 24, 2021
Status: c25
I dropped this novel because of the slow pacing and lack of chapters but I picked it up again.

Honestly I really hate how some of the reviews downplay the Mc’s suffering.

She’s clearly suffering from depression and is mentally unstable. If you actually payed attention to her backstory or heck the novel you should be able to put the pieces together.

... more>> Just because she isn’t hurt physically doesn’t mean, she can’t be hurt mentally.

Looking at how she was raised and how she’s being treated by her family it doesn’t take a genius to realise that she’s being mentally abused.

Isolation is a humans biggest foe, and MC was raised isolated with no one to depend on.

Put yourselves in her shoes and see how it feels like, trust me it’s an shitty experience. <<less
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Audmod rated it
December 8, 2020
Status: c70
I really like the story so far. It's slow paced but you don't feel like it's being dragged on. The POV switches between Alyssa & Sedrick which I love (in a lot of novels you don't get the ML side). Im excited to see their relationship develop.

Keep in mind that the abuse Alyssa has gone through her whole life has been emotional & verbal abuse. She was occasionally physically abused but her struggles are mostly mental and it's worsened when she is ignored and criticized by Sedricks family and staff.... more>> They direct their hate for the Avery family on Alyssa, imagine how that feels for her. *Im pretty sure the tragedy tag is there because the story revolves around the death of Sedricks brother and the sad life Alyssa has been living* <<less
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shadow1716 rated it
July 3, 2021
Status: --
The ML and his family deserve to die for the way they treated the MC. No amount of plot amour can change that.
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naididja rated it
April 11, 2021
Status: c36
I love this.

Some reviews say that nothing happens and she is basically sad for no reason and it's not as bad as the author wants you to feel... But I very much disagree, the girl was raised under the surveillance of the Queen that hates her, basically has absolutely not control over her life in ANY was possible, then she got engaged had the hope of finding happiness in her new family that maybe she can live for once, but then her husband to be was killed by her own... more>> family, then she marries his brother that him and his family hate her guts, even if they didn't torment her (whitch the sister did) it's still a pretty shitty situation spacialy when the MC is clearly mentally unstable, even if it's all in her head it's still valid we are after all in our heads and sometimes our heads mess things up, plus I love how the MC is constantly trying to make the situation better even if she doesn't know how if it was me I would probably not be able to do that. It's easy to think of the right thing to say or do but doing it is very hard apologising to someone can be very hard because then you have to admit you wronged the person even if it was a friend let alone someone you labeled an enemy, I very much prefer this novel to novels who their characters don't get affected at all by their situation, MCs that are way to optimistic about an unknown futur as if they know they have plot armor. I love every single character in this novel maybe except the royal family <<less
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Ahmya rated it
November 27, 2020
Status: --
The ML’s brother (who was engaged to the FL) dies. So ML was forced to marry his sister-in-law...

I really like it so far... but the tragedy tag is worrying me....
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HentMas rated it
April 8, 2021
Status: c35
I can't get behind this novel...

It's got glaring problems, mainly "show, don't tell" we are expected to relate to "someone" inside of the novel but I can't see my self on anyone, we are told the MC is suffering but... she's not... we are told they treat her coldly... but she's mostly left alone, we are told a million different things to "pitty" the MC, but hell, things could be thousand times worse, she's so "alone" but she really isn't... she's suffering for things that... quite simply, are not really... more>> an issue, we are TOLD that we should feel THIS WAY because things are so BAD... but if you genuinely are reading the novel... nothing really is as "bad" as the author wants to make you feel.

If you look at the monologues and train of thought of each POV, you're expected to take it at face value, without thinking for a bit about what is REALLY happening in the novel, you get dragged along thoughts of self pitty and guilt... but when you "see" what is happening... nothing... absolutely nothing is happening, it's all in the head of the characters, it's all about "feeling" this way or "thinking" that way, not about what someone has done to anyone else...

And when finally something happens, it's... forced, to make the characters redeem themselves, to seek forgiveness, except instead of that, the author once again comes in and pencils in dumb thoughts of "I want to apologize but I can't"... why? well, that's up to you to decide! every single thought is brought forth in a way that YOU the READER must find your own justification, because we are left with nothing, just unfinished sentences that don't convey what the character is REALLY thinking or feeling.

And this happens with EVERYONE in the novel, I don't know if the author is a genius or just lazy, because having the reader find its own justification for the actions of the character seems like a good way of making every character relatable... but that also means that everyone is a wet-toilet-paper with no personality that the reader needs to fill in the blanks to make them as whatever they imagine.

"I'm so alone" except she isn't "I am suffering" except nothing is happening "I feel so sad" for something you didn't even do!?!?!?!?

Maybe I'm just too shameless and pride less to get behind any of this characters... <<less
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bingereader2020 rated it
March 18, 2021
Status: c29
I really like how the pov switches and the sadness that is woven into the story. They know she's innocent but they can't help it and I find that really human. Although it is quite slow-paced, I think it's alright. You don't feel like it's being stretched out.

Does anyone know of other novels similar to this? (With the subtle sadness)
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May 1, 2022
Status: reading
This novel is beautiful and tragic.

There is something I want to say.

I don't like the male lead.

His close family is slightly better, in terms of the treatment to Alyssa. Of course, they're definitely not perfect; ... more>>

they blame her for Kendrick's tragedy, overwhelmed by Norfe's (the imperial half brother who has sweet home alabama vibes...) harassment at his shabby grave.


Over time, they warm up to her and even defend her over time.

But there's one overall theme that everyone has: they all assume irresponsibly that 'with time', Alyssa will somehow magically get over all the emotional abuse everyone's given her. This shows up in the male lead's thoughts all too often. One comment on a site I read observed that the author was just trying to redeem the male lead by all that bs about how he had no bad intentions. In fact, it's shown that he knows that time isn't enough to heal it, by he abides by his own selfishness and pushes the matter into the back of his mind. It's actually there in the book.

Later on in the story, at around ch 80-90, his thoughts show that he thinks she's alright after being confined and the royal family can't reach her so much. It's interesting that after seeing her deliberately throw herself into the lake, he still has the innate selfishness to dismiss it and think of it as a momentary impulse. Do you think that only you can make her feel better? Do you really understand her? A moron, he is. And particular emphasis on how

Alyssa reverts from her usual sunny smile to a dull, empty gaze that stares at the lake with obvious suicidal thoughts. She thinks she'll find peace from death and vanish from the world after she takes 'responsibility' for everything Avery has done. Alyssa's facial expression is a key part in this story. Earlier on in the story, with his s*upid disguise as 'Sid', a gardener, Seidrick ruminates on Alyssa's mental state and assumes she's alright on the premise that, 'If she can make such a pure smile, then maybe, just maybe she's fine.' And he's lying to himself. He knows it full well.


I find it genuinely horrifying how Alyssa's mental state goes unnoticed by even her closest maid Sasha, and how she seems alright on the surface while even the narrator purposefully downplays her depression. The subtle, occasional thoughts of suicide which are gruesomely extreme are forgotten soon after, because she then immerses herself in other things, giving the impression of being happy. But even the good things in her life are regarded by her as charity by others, and that she doesn't deserve it. Hammered into this mentality, she believes that all the good she is doing is only something she should do. Multiple times in the story, her thoughts are often about how it was a sin for her to be born, hence the title,

'I should have just died.' Roll credits.


the male lead sucks. everyone thinks that time will heal. deep down, they're not really good people. (the family, not mona, gilbert and sasha.) depressing af. I cried a million tears and my heart broke into a thousand pieces. melodrama intended. overall, you can't not have feels about the fl. <<less
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pleasepickthisup rated it
February 20, 2021
Status: c21
Honestly, I expected the ML to be tr*sh who blamed her. But he isn't. He's trying to be kind to her which makes me like him a lot compared to other MLs.

The novel is really well written, it's a sort of heavy one and I wouldn't be surprised if it turned really dark because of the tragedy tag.
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Kheta rated it
January 22, 2022
Status: c111
Okay. This novel. Wonderful. Other reviewers aren’t wrong in saying it’s a slow novel, there’s very little actually happening in the novel in terms of plot. But character development? Brilliant, chefs kiss man. The world-building is kinda scattered, the goals of each characters are also a little flimsy but this novel doesn’t read like an adventure tale. This novel is enticing because of how human everyone is and how well the characters and their bonds come across. This novel is more emotionally driven, you don’t read it to know what... more>> happens next, you read it because it something inside you feels a little broken and these characters make you feel like you and your reactions aren’t totally off or weird

The MC is slowly crumbling the further you read the story, she’s woefully independent but so dang scared of the world around her and all the past abuse she suffered from. She’s been isolated so much so that her perception of the world is very much me against the world, except, and some people might find this irritating, instead of fighting the world, MC gives up. She doesn’t care about anything that happens to herself, her own happiness is like consistently side-lined. She slowly mends her relationships with those around her, but can’t actually notice how impactful her actions are.

And a lot of the reviews I’ve seen are quite negative towards ML, because he is indirectly hurting MC more, causing misunderstandings and one-sidedly caring for her without revealing to her his intentions. As far as MC is concerned her husband either hates or is truly indifferent to her existence. Which might have been true at the beginning of the novel, but the changes he and his family undergo as the novel goes on is refreshing. And a lot of the problems people have with how ML and his family act, are kinda unjustified. Like yeah, could ML be doing more to support his wife and her mental health? 100%. But his inaction is actually really common for people unused to dealing with depression. And MC is definitely depressed. It’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s just he cares in a way that is both not enough to help someone who is drowning like MC is and is also in a way MC can’t understand. His help is what he thinks she needs, being someone unused to dealing with dark thoughts and healing from his own trauma. He’s not purposely abusing or neglecting MC, he’s trying to reconcile his hate for MC’s family, his own insecurities and the overwhelming affection he feels for someone who he believes is not meant for him. I understand that he’s not great in terms of ML’s, seemingly a coward and gloomy and whatever. And he definitely is neglecting his wife, I won’t deny that, I just think people hate him because they expect an ML to either be the Prince Charming or be Scum and he’s not quite either of those. He doesn’t just save her from every problem they face, though he does protect her and he doesn’t love her loudly and unabashedly. As far as I’m concerned ML is a good person, but MC needs more than he is providing. It’s not that he’s doing nothing, it’s that he’s not doing enough and it will very likely leave him feeling worse in the future.

Anyways. Rambling over. If you wanna read something sad without being faced with constant abuse, r*pe and trauma used as character development, this is pretty good. It does have sexual abuse content, and implicit mentions of abuse, but it’s not all the main character getting unfairly tortured by everyone. And it’s also not apologist with the people who do those things, which is pretty satisfying. Oh also, mentions of suicide, depression and eating disorders pretty high, so like read at own risk concerning those things. <<less
3 Likes · Like Permalink | Report
August 7, 2021
Status: c79
Really engaging story but with a lot of heartache and pain. FL is goodhearted but beat down by her life of abuse and ML is a bit of a prick but understandable given what happens to him. I like the slow pace of the growth of the characters and their relationship. Get ready to cry a lot if you read this.
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Misoshiru rated it
December 29, 2020
Status: c10
I'm really liking this novel a far.

I like the way its written, it's very pleasant. The author and the translator are doing a great job.

And although the still at it's very beginning I'm very intrigued as to where the story is going.
2 Likes · Like Permalink | Report
November27 rated it
March 15, 2021
Status: c28
I really love these kinds of novels (hidden gems) well while lots of novels show fluffy stuff, I really like how few novels like this shows this angst side (I mean not ur whole life can be honey dripping) the translation is amazing and the description on MC ‘s feeling is like wow 😯. Looking forward to see how this end... more>>
well I read somewhere Sid never show up as her husband for 3 years 😭and our MC have thought on dying (not sure, take it as a grain of salt) <<less
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Okay so, if you are into hardships, angst, depression, and crying until your eyes are red. This is one of my top recommendations. This novel can make you both hate and love these characters, they are full of emotions, and some readers who dislike this hate it because of how realistic it is. Some of the readers are saying Alyssa (FL) is being all mopey and is crying all the time but having a childhood full of mental abuse and physical abuse I'm surprised she didn't Sutter or flinch or... more>> live in fear.

Being in a room where everyone in there hates you is so f*ckin scary, Alyssa is insecure, misunderstood, and lonely. Her only friend? A maid
Her childhood? Abuse
The people around her? Hate

She is a child that didn't receive love growing up, of course, she would want to feel loved for once in her life, and sometimes when she has these moments with Moa and Gilbert she doesn't realize it yet but she is slowly feeling happiness and comfort from these people. Her new family is slowly warming up to her but some of them despise her because of her family. (Ps: I want to kill her family) Her father is a selfish f*ck boy, sister is a wannabe Regina George, her brother is a rapist c*nt, and her stepmother is a jealous hoe. I would hate to be in this family as well.

The male lead is not an as*hole who fully blames her, ignores her, abuse her, and sh*t but his brother was literally killed off her family of course he would feel a little dislike. Don't hate on him cause he hasn't talked to her as the real him because if your sibling died because of someone's selfish as*hole of a family wouldn't you feel awkward and hate for them. Honestly, it made me cry a lot watching as his family mourned over his brother's death, and the way they're handled their emotions is amazing!!

Its okay to be angry and sad but its about how you handle these emotions. If you ever feel hate for someone because of their relation to your hatred please think carefully. Get to this person and see for yourself if you are willing to hate this person to the grave. <<less
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razmatazz rated it
May 6, 2021
Status: c43
This is one of those really good and tragic novels where you can understand ALL the characters, not just the MC. I’m looking forward to the character development!!!
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mitji rated it
April 15, 2021
Status: c37
This story is reaaal good. It brings the suffering of the FL closer to the hearts of the readers and that's probably why I bawled my eyes out in reading this. Currently, there's no fluff or anything romantic going on and some may see that as "slow paced" development but that's actually good. It pointed out the hardship of the characters more which is definitely true to the plot and the tags of this story. Hopefully, we get to see more development in the couple's relationship. Or atleast, let Alyssa... more>> be relived of her pains. <<less
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April 13, 2021
Status: c37
I like the way that the characters interact and feel towards each other. It's sad and all but honestly it's a bit difficult to see her just deteriorate. Tbh I think the real tragic FL is Sasha.

Waiting to see how this story develops, but so far I really like the ML and FL interactions.
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