Perhaps desire itself was a torment for someone lacking in courage

Their relationship dynamic.

B was A's first in everything. I can't help but find A's faithfulness both idiotic and endearing, a contrast to his confident and cold appearance. This felt almost like a defiance towards the world that favored A but didn't give him the one person he wanted to be with. On the other hand, this reveal allowed A to reassure B -- who tends to end his thoughts in self-loathe -- that his love for B can withstand time and circumstances. From the moment A realized that he had fallen for B (7, Eighteen, Summer), B became someone he strongly desired and without B, A could never be satisfied. So, any new relationship would be meaningless to A. In 9A, Eighteen, Summer, A described his one-sided first love as: "a basketball game played with billiard balls or a letter with the wrong address. No matter how hard he threw it, it didn't come back and he couldn't expect a reply."

Their interactions in the past might be few, but each interaction was purposeful and memorable. And even after they separated, A kept up to date about B by watching videos of B playing Go and reading articles about B. A would watch the videos to the end, but his focus was never the gameplay but rather B's hands (No wonder A never learned how to play Go lol).

Despite his outward appearance, A's mentality is more delicate than he appears. As A said in 17, Twenty-Seven, Winter, Part 8: "Their relationship was like a thin thread that could snap with just a turned off phone." He was jealous of Seungbin and Instructor Lim because they belonged to the same world as B and understood B to a greater degree than he did. His jealousy of Go players doesn't seem unfounded, and I believe it's also the author's way of saying that B's exes play Go (which makes sense since B doesn't seem to interact with others, besides family, outside of Go). Even after they reconciled and cleared up past misunderstandings, the nightmare of failing to hold onto B during the High School Graduation still makes A cry: "The moment of letting go of something he earnestly desired was vivid and painfully engraved, as if it carved with a knife" (19, Twenty-Eight, Winter).

Unlike A, B had dated other people within their eight years apart (Booklet - interview w/ J. Soori). While this was never explicitly mentioned in the novel, I find this part significant because it showed how A and B tackled their problems. I also appreciate how it was never a main source of conflict as past relationships shouldn't shake the foundations of a current one.

A cherished his first love and made sure to keep his feelings strong. He wished to reunite with B but was afraid to actively seek out B, whose feelings were unknown. I think to a certain extent, A chose to reunite with B once he became more presentable and at a somewhat equal standing as B (reminder: A's dream was to be a diplomat and now he is an office worker for a prestigious company). Knowing that B would likely not come to the reunion that coincided with the Gihwa competition, A still took the risk and gambled with fate, even later provoking B with brazen statements that hid his own insecurities. Unlike his teenage self, 27-year-old A now knew how to read B better -- his true feelings were revealed in his eyes. He saw that B also yearned for him. Unable to contain the overwhelming emotions that had built up over the years and realizing that the man he so desired had reciprocated them, A had a strong urge to become one with B -- to give in to that animal within and to contain that missing piece. A's actions are quite foolish, but his love has always been hidden in plain sight.

While A's decisions are driven by emotion and animalistic instincts, B makes decisions grounded in reality and logic (coming from his background as a Gisa). B's mindset serves as a defense mechanism, to prevent B from getting hurt. But as a double-edge sword, this also stumps B's emotional growth as B is not truthful with himself. After graduation, B knew he would never cross paths with A again, so he chose to bury his feelings and start anew. To be able to date others signified letting go of the past and focusing on the present. However, B's decision to abandon reason, and therefore his underlying principles, in order to be with A planted a seed of doubt in his mind. Their relationship progressed too fast, resulting in a first experience filled with contradicting feelings of pleasure and despair, and later, a constant questioning of whether A truly loves him.

In 17, Twenty-Seven, Winter Part 2, B's mom asked B, "Do you have a girlfriend?" to which B remained silent. J, sensing this silence, grew red in the face and quickly tried to distract Mom by switching TV channels. Mom, not distracted, said "Secretly date or something. Living like a priest, who knows when you'll get married." From this interaction, it is implied that:

• J knew about B's past dating history and has deduced that he is currently seeing someone (A)
• Mom didn't know that B had dated before and that he is gay

The guys B dated before might have been similar in personality to younger A, as B stated in 12, Nineteen, Winter, he likes warm and bright people who were inherently kind-hearted, something that B does not believe he himself possesses. In 17, Twenty-Seven, Winter, Part 12, after their breakup, A received a phone call from J revealing B's past relationship issues:

"No matter how hard it may be, [B is] not the type to hold onto someone first. He'll endure it for as long as he can, he'd rather dry up and die than cling to someone and beg them not to leave. I want you to know that even if he says something cold on the outside, he may not mean it."

This reveals that in his past relationships, B was always approached first, but never proactively participated, possibly leading to misunderstandings. "[B] had been misunderstood countless times in his life and had failed to explain most of them. In other words, he had a talent for being misunderstood but badly lacked the ability to clarify himself" (14, Twenty-Seven, Winter). He was portrayed as a cold lover, eventually leading to breakups and periods of slump. No matter how serious the relationship was, B would rather give up than try to make them work out. But none of his past relationship troubles had as great of an impact as B's break up with A -- indicative of how important their relationship was to B -- such that J was even worried something bad might happen to B if A does not intervene.

B thought his feelings for A had disappeared along with time, but the reunion text coupled with his desire to see A showed that B still had lingering attachments to A. His inability to let go of A's White T-shirt also hinted that B's feelings were stronger than he made them out to be.

In 17, Twenty-Seven, Winter Part 5, B stated that his first love for A was born from his admiration for A and later from wanting to become A. Yet, the 27-year-old B questioned whether he could call his current feelings something as serious as "love." B knew he was drawn to A, he wanted A. However, he was afraid of admitting that his feelings were deep because he didn't view himself as worthy of A's affections nor did he want to dive deep into those emotions for fear of being abandon by A, whose intentions B couldn't understand.

B's turmoil in his relationship with A was that, unlike his previous relationships, B was constantly losing to A, his pride and ego defeated. He desperately wanted to hold onto A. A's existence was just like the Gihwa match with Taishan, so B had to give up on A (give up on move 105) in order to become himself again (in order to find an alternative path for a potential win) (17, Twenty-Seven, Part 10).

However, in 17, Twenty-Seven, Part 12, when B met with A for the first time after the breakup, B was ready to give up everything just to be with A. This shows that B's emotional side had defeated his logical side. The White T-shirt being in B's bag hinted that if B had not met A in the parking lot, B would have driven to A's place to explain to him the truth about the White T-shirt and beg him to reconcile. The White T-shirt symbolizes B's weakness: his shame and desire to cling onto A, and his pitiful one-sided love for A that never vanished. B was willing to show this vulnerable side to A because he realized that despite failing as A's lover -- and even if A didn't love him anymore -- he wanted to be more proactive in the relationship to become a better lover, so please love him back.

"I lost [...] I'm so afraid of losing you, I like you too much [...] I think I could give up anything [...] I'll try harder, so once, just this once [...]"

However, before he could finish saying this, A tells B: "You don't have to give up anything [...] Just don't push me away."

A and B's relationship has never been a game of (professional) Go as B perceived it to be. In a game of Go, there will always be a losing side. Both believed at some point in their relationship (whether at age 18 or age 27) that they had lost to the other person, not realizing that the other person was waiting for them (ugh, the fitness testing scene will always grab my heart). Rather, I'd like to perceive their relationship as a game of A's version of Go, where pieces can move back and forth and rules can be broken, a game where winning or losing doesn't matter. Like the scene above, when B decides to give up his integrity to beg A to return, A stops B from doing so, reassuring B that he still loves him.

A and B were both inexperienced with love. (Although B had more dating experience, he never learned to depend on the other person or be more honest with them. A became the one relationship B was too scared to lose.) They didn't realize that love is meant to be intoxicating, vulnerable, to break apart the walls you set up, and swallow your pride. Love is about missing that person, worrying about that person, wanting to be with that person, wanting that person to be happy, and wanting to know everything about that person.

There's a wonderful chapter where our Go player is going through some crazy disarray of feelings, and he's venting on a Go game, we get described beautifully the whole storm in his head through Go moves, which is a small glimpse into his mind and his world, and his opponent, the only person that could get it a that point, just asks "why are you treating me like a punching bag?" Ah, just wonderful! And in that same note, and nothing related, it made me realize how blessed Choi Taek was in Reply 1988 to have such amazing friends while growing up