Ashen Moon

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A side story in two volumes featuring Soichi, the son of the head of the Motohashi Group, who has been unable to be alone for even a moment due to the trauma of being attacked by an enemy five years ago. At the same time, his repressed fetishes were also exposed. He would relieve his s*xual urges in front of his silent bodyguard, Kato, but one day, instead of using toys, he begged Kato himself. Kato obeyed the order and embraced Soichi. When Soichi felt an intense pleasure he had never experienced before and begged for more, Kato refused, saying, “If I have to embrace someone, I’d rather it be a woman.” It includes follow-up extras of Yamada and Michihiko from “Smiling at the Moon.”

Associated Names
One entry per line
Hai no tsuki
灰の月
Related Series
Smiling at the Moon (Main Story)
Recommendations
A Disgusting Guy (1)
Hako no Naka (1)
Utsukushii Koto (1)
Recommendation Lists
  1. Binge Worthy
  2. BL (completed) I want to read (part 3)
  3. Completed novel
  4. Ongoing
  5. Books I have finished reading and my dumb, biased ...

Latest Release

Date Group Release
07/30/24 itoshii koto epilogue
07/29/24 itoshii koto v2c11
07/30/24 itoshii koto intermission 2
07/29/24 itoshii koto v2c10
07/29/24 itoshii koto intermission 1
07/28/24 itoshii koto v2c9
07/28/24 itoshii koto v2c8
07/27/24 itoshii koto v2c7
07/27/24 itoshii koto v2c6
07/25/24 itoshii koto v1c5
07/25/24 itoshii koto v1c4
07/24/24 itoshii koto v1c3
07/24/24 itoshii koto v1c2
07/22/24 itoshii koto v1c1
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8 Reviews sorted by


itoshiikoto
itoshiikoto rated it
July 30, 2024
Status: Completed
I’m giving this novel a 5 out of 5 rating not because I loved it or because I’m biased since I translated it. I don’t tend to rate novels based on how much I liked them but rather on how much they made me feel. In this case, it’s been a couple of days since I've finished reading it, and I’m still feeling bothered about it.

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Spoiler

I don’t think Soichi or anyone else deserved to be brutally violated like that right off the bat. Okay, he was arrogant and ordered one of his subordinate's fingers to be cut off because he bumped into him, but does that justify the following ab*se? I don’t think so. Yes, they’re all yakuza, and perverseness is in their nature, but it still made me so uncomfortable to translate that scene. I didn’t sleep well that night thinking about it. I guess the author decided to use that plot device to kick off Soichi's perversion and obsession with Kato.

Kato idealized Soichi as the perfect leader for the organization. After their first time and subsequently watching Soichi have s*x with multiple men, he might have started to feel something other than admiration. We get glimpses of him questioning this feeling, but he can’t put a name to it.

At the end of Vol 1, Kato starts to hurl insults at Soichi in an attempt to make Soichi hate him, so he can forget his affection for him. In the midst of it, he undresses Soichi and points at his flat chest and groin, saying he’s visibly male, so he could never feel anything for him. I guess that triggered Soichi to undergo cosmetic surgery to mold himself into what Kato finds attractive. How valid this reason is, I don’t know. I can’t imagine a cisgender man getting breast implants to make himself look more attractive to men unless he wants to be perceived as a woman.

I think Soichi was questioning his gender, but due to the environment he was raised in, it was impossible for him to undergo gender transitioning. That’s why he wanted to leave for America. He also finds joy in cross-dressing and being treated as a woman by Kato, while at the same time hating his manly smell, voice, and being touched during s*x. The author never says he’s transgender, but the signs are there.

Take Matsuoka from Utsukushii Koto by the same author. He liked to cross-dress as a hobby, and that’s how the ML fell in love with him. But once he was rejected because the ML wasn’t attracted to men, Matsuoka started to grow a goatee to make himself look anything but female anymore.

I guess the author couldn't make Soichi come out as trans, otherwise this novel wouldn't be a BL anymore, since it would become a female-male pairing.

Soichi and Kato seemed to have reached a balance. Soichi was leading the organization and being the ideal leader that Kato always wanted, and in return, he was getting his s*xual needs met until the author decided to pile more ab*se on top of more ab*se.

Is Soichi just a mere s*x deviant who doesn’t deserve an ounce of kindness? After all that, he was broken. He had once said that Kato was only kind to him when he wasn’t feeling well. I guess it was in moments like those when Kato allowed himself to be affectionate because he had a reason to. And that’s the route the author decided to take in order to get them out of the organization and place Soichi in a position where he was dependent on Kato’s care so they could be together, away from the prying eyes of the gang.

But I can’t help but wonder if Soichi had been raised in an environment where he was free to explore his sexuality and gender identity freely, would he have been happier? Is he happier now? I guess so; he’s so damaged that he doesn’t remember the past, living in his own world, and Kato had to let go of his idealized Soichi, but keep the man by his side.

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yunli
yunli rated it
August 31, 2024
Status: Completed
By all rights, based on plot, this should really be a 2/5 rating, but I’m bumping it up just because it stuck with me so much.

I really did cry when reading this book. It feels like excessive, gratuitous angst where the author just wanted to torture the MC for no purpose other than her own gratification, but somehow it made me feel very emotional. The MC’s struggles and pain really connected for me and I sympathized greatly with him.

There is a lot of r*pe in this book. It basically is... more>> the entire reason in the first chapter for the MC’s paranoia and behavior afterwards.
Spoiler

Actually, even before being assaulted, the MC liked bottoming but had only been with a woman. It seems to suggest that this assault was the reason for him becoming gay, or realizing his homosexuality which didn’t really sit right with me. This was an element that I disliked.

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The MC falls in love with a self-professed straight man and alters his behavior, personality, and even body to some extent to try to make the ML love him. I felt that the ML’s feelings toward him kept going back and forth.
Spoiler

At first, the ML only sleeps with the MC because the MC is his boss; he sees it as part of his job, and says that he does enjoy the feeling of it despite the fact that the MC is a man. As soon as the MC develops feelings for him, the ML no longer wants to sleep with him—he has an idealized version of the MC in his head as a proper mafia boss and this ruins the image. Later, he rejects the MC cruelly in an attempt to make the MC give up on him, but after a time skip, they’ve inexplicably gotten back together secretly again. In the end, the ML seems to love the MC but I don’t really buy the development.

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Furthermore, their relationship development is illogical and bounces between harsh rejection and then suddenly sleeping together again. There isn’t much development showing the gradual process inbetween. Still, the MC’s desperation for the ML felt very palpable to me and every harsh rejection hurt to read. I really wanted the MC to give up on the ML and find someone willing to love him openly, but it never happened. Their relationship felt very toxic and one-sided.

Also, if it bothers you, I’ll mention just in case that both the MC and the ML have slept with multiple other people consensually before and even after meeting each other.

The ending was also dissatisfying.
Spoiler

The MC’s g**itals are mutilated and he has lost most of his memory and has the intelligence of a small child. He’s completely dependent on the ML who stays with him and eventually disappears out of the mafia world with him. It didn’t feel like a happy ending at all, even though it felt like it was ambiguously supposed to be one.

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The MC never really got any reprieve from his suffering except for when he could pretend that the ML cared for him. The content warnings for this book are pretty intense; it didn’t feel super super graphic to me but others might disagree so if that bothers you, be cautious. This wasn’t a pleasant book to read and I didn’t enjoy reading it, but I haven’t been able to forget the story and I revisit it just to experience again how incredibly pained some of these chapters made me. <<less
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FrostyDragon
FrostyDragon rated it
August 10, 2024
Status: Completed
This novel needs more warning tags: I'm normally not squaemish when it comes to fiction, but this was more than even I could handle. TWs for this book isn't just expressions of h*mophobia (repeatedly calling the MC 'a b*tch' because he's the bottom), but also contains lots of s*xual ab*se done by third parties (gangr*pe and holding a character as a s*x s*ave), as well as g**ital mutilation and body horror.

Spoiler but for me the worst/most gross part was:

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Spoiler

the MC is broken physically and mentally by the end and there's a very explicit s*x scene where the ML basically sucks on MC's mutilated dick, as well as detailed descriptions of how MC's g**italia functions and reacts during s*x - really not something I needed to know, and it felt like the author was satisfying a fetish rather than telling a story. The MC is damaged beyong repair and the author portrays it as a sort of happy ending for him and the ML, because the ML can finally dedicate himself fully to MC.

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Bizarre story - feels kind of old school yaoi with excessive r*pe scenes and unrealistic melodrama, even considering the gangster setting.

I would consider the ending tragic, and disagree with the translator. It isn't really about the MC being confused about his gender, it's about him being a victim of h*mophobia and severely traumatized due to torture and r*pe, combined with his obsessive love for the ML. The ML's inability to recognize his own feelings for the MC (partly due to his own twisted attraction/love for the MC and obsession with the MC becoming the perfect crime boss) and the way his pushes the MC away, is what causes the MC to

Spoiler

have breast implants. This is not a story about a person who's a closeted trans, but about two people who can't openly live out their same-s*x attraction - the MC has to keep it hidden, the ML is in denial that he likes the MC despite him being a man. The MC is mentally unstable and desperate for the ML to have s*x with him and desire him, this is why he has breast implants, and why he fantasizes about becoming a woman. He had no problem with his own body before the ML started ridiculing him and rejected him. Up until that point the MC never expresses any problem with his own body and had fully accepted his own sexuality. He clearly didn't have a problem with his own gender, but his obsession with the ML made him want to do everything to accommodate the ML's preferences. Cross-dressing later became a way for him to be incognito and date the ML despite his own identity as a crime boss, and accommodate the ML's taste, not because he wanted to question his own gender.

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The ending would have been alright if it had ended after chapter 9. Everything after felt tagged on, unnecessary melodramatic and the ending was tragic although the author tries to paint it as idyllic when it really was tragic and horrifying because

Spoiler

the MC becomes completely mentally disturbed and regress to a child-like state, after he has his d*ck cut off after being horribly sexually ab*sed for months on end. And it's weird how the MC keeps running into dumb villains who are obsessed with having s*x with him after only one look at him - that was just too unrealistic.

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With the beginning and ending of the story it felt like the author was obsessed with r*pe and torturing the MC, it was pretty bizarre. The 3 stars are for the relationship between the MC and ML - while the ML's complex feelings could have been explored more, the relationship's back and forth was fairly interesting. But the story doesn't know when to stop and revels in r*pe and gore to a point where it breaks the flow of the story. <<less
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rosesakura95
rosesakura95 rated it
November 29, 2024
Status: Completed
AVOID!!!!! I usually like dog blooded stories with angst and drama BUT this was a waste of my time!!! I wish I could go back to several hours ago and stop myself from reading this. I should have known that since this was a japanese story and one related to the japanese yakuza nothing good would come from it but I guess since it's been a while since I last touched this type of story I forgot about how frustrating they can be!!!! Soichi might be a character that is... more>> not easy to like (especially in the 1st volume, his love/obsession for Kato is like that of a kid that wants a toy but cant get it, but in the 2nd volume he is turned into this character that is so submissive and patehtic in his love that you cant help but cheer on him) but no matter what I would never want anyone to go through what the author made him go through, no matter what, he did not deserve all that violence (s*xual and nonsexual) and mind break. When I read stories where a character goes through something horrifying, the aftermath matters more since I need to see how the people who did those things get punished BUT this author just swipes through that part like its not important and the punishment never seems to equal the torture he has been through SO it's not satisfying at all to read!!!! Why would I waste my time reading about someone getting tortured to mindbreak if I wont get to see him getting back at those who did that to him or getting a promising ending (I am not asking for a good ending with "and they lived happily ever after" but seriously was that the best ending the author could come up with??? SOOOOO Disappointing, u will feel so frustrated as u get to the supposed open ending we get. Like seriously before a major event happens in the last few chapters I could tell something bad was gonna happen BUT NOT THIS BAD!!! Did Soichi really have to go through that? I feel like it was excessive, and this is coming from someone who usually reads a variety of angsty novels and even tragic ones didnt make me feel frustrated like this.
Spoiler

AND until the end Soichi never really gets his feelings reciprocated, I mean if someone wants to read in between the lines they could say that he eventually gets Kato in a way but is that really getting him?? By the end Soichi is not Soichi anymore because of the confinement, drugging and s*xual s*avery he goes through SO Kato eventually taking care of this shell that is left of him is just so stifling and frustrating!! I wish Kato had just let him leave the country when he wanted to instead of manipulating him into staying knowing that he loved him too much to listen to him as long as he gave him a bit of attention. Argh I hate Kato for sticking to Soichi this perfect image of the perfect boss he wants and destroying Soichi by caging him into a world he didnt want, even if Soichi somehow gets a bit of what he wants from having Kato sexually it is not worth the tragedy that he has to deal with by staying. And kato degrades him so much during their s*x bc Soichi is not the perfect boss he wants but still gets attracted to him. I feel like Kato is the least emotional guy in this whole story and sees Soichi in such an objectified way: u can feel throughout the story that he only wants him to be this perfect boss like a doll and never really looks through the fragile way Soichi keeps on loving him, just when I think I can see glimpses of him opening up to Soichi's sincerity, he immediately shuts down. I dont know, this character seemed more like a robot than a human I didnt like him at all

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Oof I ended up ranting too much since I havent read an annoying story like this in such a long time. Give me back the last few hours I wasted on this!!! <<less
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ggyida
ggyida rated it
August 20, 2024
Status: epilogue
This novel was tragic and unsatisfying. It left me feeling empty and confused.

... more>>
Spoiler

It didn't hit me until I read the editor's comment that "There are no good people in this story" when I realized, they're right. The entire time I was reading I put Kato on a pedestal and begged him to notice Soichi, to care for him. I believed that they would find a way. But really, most everyone is at fault in this story.

Soichi was deeply traumatized and without proper treatment, he badly coped and was overly obsessive with Kato. He used his power over Kato.

Kato, his subordinate, was pressured by Soichi but he still had a hand in this tenuous relationship. He indulged and hurt Soichi.

The sociopathic tendencies of most characters seemed characteristic of yakuza/crime groups, but the depiction was truly different than anything else I had consumed.

The ending was just that. Equivocal. Questions remain of what had happened over the course of events. Questions linger of what could have been. This unsatisfactory feeling is something I both love and hate.

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Laila56
Laila56 rated it
August 16, 2024
Status: Completed
Well.... I don't really know the right words to be able to convey my feelings towards this novel. But I will give it my best shot. I would have given it five stars but I can't really say that I enjoyed it. It was an interesting novel and I liked some of the themes it explored but it was not a fun read (I just felt so awful for Soichi) and the ending was the literal definition of bittersweet.

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Spoiler

Looking at it objectively (the questionable dabble of gender identity notwithstanding) I think the themes were explored well: being completely consumed with love for a person, that person's rejection, not meeting expectations, the ugliness of people, sexuality, using s*x as a distraction. Although Soichi's storyline made me so mad I do not know why he had to suffer so much ab*se and ridicule just because he was gay and kinda liked to dress like a woman (as I said don't know exactly what direction Konohara wanted to take Soichi's gender expression it was not explored well or at all as I'm unsure if he actually liked it or was just doing it for Kato). The only time when he experienced some kindness and acceptance was from Kato right at the end when Soichi has just come out from such a tragic and gut-wrenching ordeal. Like why did Soichi have to have his thing cut off, I guess it was meant to be full circle with how it was being portrayed by the bigots and idiots around him that Soichi wasn't a "real man" or something just because he was gay and "taking it like a b**ch" (whatever... eye roll). But yeah wasn't feeling that one bit.

I liked the interactions between Kato and Soichi it was really fascinating and was the highlight of the novel seeing how their relationship progressed. Especially for Kato where Soichi isn't just someone he sees as his ideal leader but actually as a person who he comes to care about aside from the organisation. However, at times I felt Kato's feelings for Soichi could have been explored at times little more, but I guess it could be that Kato doesn't even understand his own feelings, just knows that he cannot be without Soichi.

All of the side characters even Kato (because he was just so mean Soichi most of the time calling him pathetic just because he loved him) were tr*sh but I guess they are all yakuza so.. lol what was I expecting. (But Hachi was practically an angel compared to the lot of them). But literally nothing happy happens.

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In the end even though the novel was a hard read, as it contained very explicit emotional, physical, s*xual ab*se, s*x tr*ffick*ng, I'm still giving it a high rating as it made me think, made me question and made me feel and the descriptions were powerful so for me it was a "good-ish" novel. If you are interested in confusing, difficult and very sad couples then you will really like the relationship between the two leads. Their relationship and story was really captivating and intriguing. A story of two broken men clinging onto each other and giving solace in some way. <<less
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aalalaa
aalalaa rated it
July 30, 2024
Status: Completed
Eeeeeeeehhhh!

I didn't see this coming at all. I read through the first volume in one go and was eager to know what happens next, so eagerly waited for the the second volume, but this is...

I don't want to give away any spoilers, but this really tests your tolerance levels... I couldn't handle it... I'm sorry...

Seriously, the content is so different from the previous works I've read of this author lol...

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Spoiler

I like Konohara as an author and have read painful works before, but there's always some kind of small solace at the end, and Konohara's writing is so brilliant that I end up reading it all. However!! This "Ashen Moon"... now that I think about it, especially in the first volume, wasn't about half of it just explicit scenes? As for the second volume... it was just painful all the way through, and I couldn't find anything peaceful about the ending. The only part that felt somewhat peaceful was the few pages in the intermission where Soichi crossdresses and walks around town with Kato.

I understand Soichi's "pure love" painfully well, but was the "affection" that Kato felt truly for Soichi, or was it for the idealized version of Soichi that he had in his mind? In the end, wasn't it Kato who was keeping Soichi captive? Everything got so tangled up that the aftertaste of this work truly felt like ash.

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Lara Night
Lara Night rated it
March 30, 2025
Status: Completed
Such a bittersweet yakuza love story, reminded me of twitterring birds never fly, but this one hurts me more and I feel so sorry at MC. But as cited from Jaime Lannister (Game of Throne), we don't choose who we fall in love with and yes, that suck.

But this novel is great, awesome writing and well-done translation. Definitely worth the tears I shed🥹

The ending left me flanbergasted, and I really wish for a good end. I hope there will be sequel where the author will let fans like me who... more>> are dying to know 'What happens next???' get the answers for our inquiries. <<less
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