the accident with the MC and his brother was relatable, granted I wasn’t close with my father, I still remember how it felt finding out he was in an accident and paralyzed. Reading through that entire couple chapters was very difficult.

There were moments I had to pause because it felt like I was having a panic attack so I’d definitely recommend you be careful if you have similar traumas

i love this story so so much its a literary masterpiece I love the writing the prose the dialogue the characters the metaphors and the way the author evokes emotions is GOD TIER. Icb it took me a month (??) from start to finish but imo its a story best digested in small bits because some parts were too raw for me to handle and everything felt so candid to the point where it hurts. Its so easy to superimpose the events of the story into real life and remember that what fengtian went thru is incredibly common and the story isnt just angst for angst's sake.

qiao fengtian is written SO BEAUTIFULLY you can truly tell how much of a tenacious character he is. The story goes narrates his pain and struggles (very painfully so during his emotional breakdown when qiao liang was first hospitalized) but also his perseverence and strong will; jumping straight into liquidating his finances and selling his house and taking care of his brother - hes the type of person who shoulder everything by himself and never bend nor break. Its incredible but also terribly bittersweet to read. Hes one to give back tenfold after receiving a drop of kindness; one to give good news and keep the bad to himself; one to be incredibly attentive to others but never expecting the same in return. Hes such a lovely character and its a shame how his virtues arent appreciated. The few who do (his brother, nephew, dudong and li li, and ofc zheng siqi) are shown to be his supports and comforts in a novel setting where everyone else around him is critical of his choices, his labels, and his standing in society.

as for zheng siqi? I know the story is mainly in fengtians pov but the amount of growth siqi received was tremendous as well. I loved the juxtaposition he gave about his past - a rascallion high schooler with a middle finger to the world, to a university student whos so intent on blending into the crowd and never stepping out of bounds, to finally someone who would risk his genteel image and his hard-earned stability, and who would later on brave against his family and shield his beloved against the world, just so he could be by fengtian's side and see the person he loves thrive. He is incredibly brave and its this bravery to show his compassionate side that can shed fengtian's defenses and allow fengtian to shine in the face of so much pain and suffering.

and the relationship that came out of that was SO tender and loving. The way that not only was fengtian hesitated to show his feelings but zheng siqi also had to dance around their relationship at the start because he was questioning his sexuality. But once the floodgates opened, their dynamic blossomed into the most precious thing ever. Zheng siqi's mushy love lines and his overt displays of affections has me absolutely swooning. I absolutely love how he reverts back to almost childish enthuasiasm when hes around fengtian. My favourite scene is one when they were making love and siqi almost breaks, asking how is it possible that he loves fengtian so much? To the point where hes at a lost on how he should show the magnitude of his love? My god, his overflowing love was simply palpable through the screen. And the love letter siqi wrote at the end? Perfectly encapsulates this feeling. And while fengtian isnt timid by any means he is a lot more lowkey. But his love language is being attentive to siqi's health, being attentive to siqi's everything, putting his love into the food he makes, bringing another layer of life into siqi's house, gifting siqi the chance to finally experience the beauty of a first love even at the age of thirty six.

the author's depictions of the society they live in is incredibly dour. Its guaranteed that the struggle to find acceptance will be a forever struggle, and it doesnt end when the story finishes. But theres some silver lining, and I have a feeling that fengtian and siqi still manages to find comfort in those. For instance, fengtian's mother is too old to change her ways but the hate and disgust she displayed at the start of the novel is no longer there. Siqi's sister is also unbending in her ways but she can maintain cordiality when talking with fengtian. Its bottom of the barrel stuff but at least its enough for our couple. Theyll still have to meander in public and hide their sexuality and shows of affections from others. Its bittersweet but thats how it is.

and last thing - I love how the author writes children. Both zao'er and xiao wu'zi were protrayed realistically and age appropriate. Its a breath of fresh air to see these two be wholly accepting of fengtian's and siqi's relationship, even tho we know that, between the lines, they probably also had to endure the probing and prejudice against their peers. I thought fengtian wouldve assumed a motherly figure (?) for zao'er, but I also like how siqi insists that hes not there as a replacement mother, but as his own person and as siqi's lover first and foremost.